Adult Children of Divorce

It's a high road a parent must take in order to keep their children's welfare first and foremost in mind when going through a divorce. It's a "big" parent who will hold his or her tongue regarding the other parent in conversation with their adult children if it is "really" about "you" rather than them. Sadly, I don't think there are enough mature parents who will actually practice this, I'm sure there are some, those children are the better for it.

I agree with the "holding your tongue" principle. Slander teaches children bitterness and blame - not self-control, grace, tenderness and taking blame. We just had our 22nd anniversary - we are somewhat happily married. Something our 18+ yr old daughter expressed a couple of wks ago has been on my mind ever since - that she "has more fun when out with just 1 of us at a time" - hm? - a cause for serious pause. I'm a lot like my mother was in her marriage - not too much "fun" - kind of a stick in the mud, but I think my daughter was refering to someting a little deeper. My husband very easy-going, wouldn't complain about me to save his life. But i think his easy-going personality is part of MY problem - there's no real 'take charge' in him - and it has left me a bit 'lost'. In any relationship there needs to be someone in charge, in leadership - and I'm pretty old-fashioned and feel as though I NEED that ldrship to function effectively, to know what to do. And right now all I want to do is be freed from this situation and it's very difficult. I'm 47 (I look and feel about 35) and am going back to work now that our daughter's off to college and I'm getting that awful itch to be single and stay single - not even to date - because I truly believe that it's possible that I'm not 'marriage material' - it's possible that I can't get past unrealistic expectations. It's very hard to be selfless right now - I wish it would pass, bit I'm pretty sure it won't. We have some memorable moments and then it will be weeks!!! before we 'get reacquainted' and the cycle is waring on us both. After so long I kind of 'forget' how to respond to him. There's not really anything to dislike about my husband and I feel sort of guilty even contemplating a separation.

Thanks for listening -

In response to the last comment... I have a couple of phrases I have become well known for, "sometimes you are committed to the committment" and "Love is a choice, not a feeling". I believe you should run as far as possible from the thought of divorce if you are not being abused or married to someone unfaithful. You Choose to love. Not "marriage material"! You've been married 22 yrs and you would throw it all away because you got the "itch" to. Be responsible, committed and set an example for your daughter that is worth her following. I don't mean to be harsh, but our society turns to divorce over nothing and it is totally unacceptable. If you cant be committed to your husband at this moment, thats okay. It happens to everyone at some point. Thats when you are committed to the committment while you are choosing to love.

For anyone who thinks the single life is an easy one, I have news for you. Society is still dictated by couples and I found that out while I was single for 6 years. Bowling leagues, dancing lessons, invitations to parties, going to the movies, out to dinner are all activities that are couple oriented. I’ve belonged to single’s groups and it’s sad to see middle aged people gathering on a Sunday afternoon to take in a movie, just so they don’t have to be alone.

Our adult children were pretty much awful to us when we moved forward in our relationship. Mine gave in first. My new husband's children wouldn't even watch us get married but looked the other way, like it wouldn't happen if they didn't seen it. Through patience, understanding and our continued invitations to all 6 of our children to functions at our home, everyone has pretty much settled in and are getting along with each other while being polite to my new husband and me.

There aren’t any cocktail parties, gatherings of wonderful people at a single’s dance or tons of wonderful men going to come out of the woodwork if you are looking for a date. It’s a whole different lifestyle. Although I did make friends that I will keep forever, I choose married over single any day. Sadly, I wasn’t given the choice by my first husband, but the one I have now makes my life richer and I thank God every day for sending him to me. I will never take marriage for granted.

I'm 34 years old. My parents separated when I was 9 yrs old, divorced sometime after that, got re-married and are both divorced from their 2nd spouses. I have a good relationship with both my mom and dad. After the separation I lived with my mom and then when I was 15 I moved in with my dad. My parents marriage broke up because my father was unfaithful, and I understand the hurt and pain that comes along with that, but shouldn't my mother be over it by now? She continues to speak badly about my father. It drives me crazy. Why does she do this? He doesn't speak badly about her. He wasn't the best husband and she wasn't always the best mother. People make mistakes. It's like she wants me to hate him. We could be talking about dinner and making gravy and somehow someway she finds a way to verbally attack my father. Then I feel like I should defend him because he's not there to defend himself, but I really don't want to be involved.

Hi. It is very refreshing to read the last 2 comments - (both in response to mine from Aug 16) - thank you! Your 'encouragement' is appreciated!! I do have a single friend (all her life!) and had the opportunity to stay w/ her a few weeks last year - her life is healthy and rewarding, but I must be honest and say that I would NOT wish the forever single life on anyone. It seems very lonely indeed. I believe very strongly that God intended for marriage to be a very important part of a society's stabiblity and, you're right, I have to considered my daughter and the impact my "giving it all up" would have on her and her future relationships.

Again, thanks so much for taking the time to comment. :)

And thanks again for listening again.

In resposne to the 34 yr old - talking very frankly about this to your mom might be a start. Don't wait for her to begin another slamming of your father, but at an appropriate location and time, YOU initiate the conversation and tell her how it effcts you and that you're having difficulty respecting her for giving you "ammunition" to think badly of your father. Her lingering bitterness toward him is causing her to exhibit poor judgment and she truly should not speak poorly of him in your presence.

Bitterness is very destructive. She may need some outside 'help' to finally get past it.

Be careful not to become bitter toward her. Be gracious and pray for her. But there is nothing disrespectful about discussing this matter with her.

Wishing you the best!

Hello. I'm a 24 yr old whose parents are just starting the divorce proceedings after being separated for a year after my father revealed he was having an affair. The last year has been extremely painful and complicated, with my mother relying on me heavily as I ended a long term relationship of my own and finished up a Masters degree. I have very little contact with my dad because I'm still so angry with him. When I contact him it is because for a fleeting moment I miss him. I don't know how to find balance between the anger and the missing him. I often get told that my parents' situation is "not about me" and though that is true to a certain extent, I find this a very difficult response to deal with. I often feel very isolated and misunderstood, and even angry at my own response, feeling like I've taken it all too personally.

I feel so very bad and guilty and need you good people for some advice: I am in the middle of divorcing my alcoholic, emotionally unavailable husband. I KNOW that I should keep my mouth shut and not involve the children (21 year-old son and 18 year old daughter)but something made me try and explain to my son today how I feel about alcoholism and why I had to take the decision. It didn't go well with him at all. He is under the impression that I try to influence him against his dad. I feel horrible, how can I mend this?

I can't believe I found this site. My husband (of 35 years) left me 11/07... we had problems, which he wouldn't get help for...then started a nasty divorce proceeding full of lies & 1/2 truths about me (I am contesting the divorce). We have a 24 yr old and a 19 yr old. They are both SO angry with their father and I am having a really hard time with this. On one hand, I keep trying to get them to resolve their problems with their father by talking to him not me about their grievances, but their anger is also hugely justified and being closer to me they want to vent to me. They also have a great fear of him. I think that, as young adults, they need to also know the truth and I try to be fair about it re: my part/his part. I feel as if I am responsible for EVERYTHING emotionally that they go through. Their father has not had them to his place at all (he has been in it since 1/08) he takes them to the movies or out to dinner, no relationship building, no sharing of feelings, no conversations about the divorce and only spends an hour or two with them. Now my oldest wants nothing to do with him. My youngest is trying to be so fair that he is going into denial. How do I maintain a healthy & fair balance by speaking the truth of what has happened yet letting them have their angry times and not making him out to be the bad guy? I do confess and have asked forgiveness for my part in this as it pertains to my kids... but this divorce stuff is really, really bad. I can barely understand/deal with it, how can I expect them to?

I've been committed to the committement for the last 9 years. Nine years ago, I was unfaithful. I confessed all and committed to repairing our marriage. But after about 5 years, thousands of dollars and countless hours in counseling, it became apparent to me that I could never be sorry enough, broken enough, remorseful enough, repentant enough to repair the damage. I decided to myself to endure the continual shame, beratement, and verbal abuse - admittedly I caused it - until my children were grown. Now the time is approaching. My youngest will graduate highschool this spring, 09. And I'm scared.

We will hit the 25 year milestone this fall. And the last 15 years have sucked... for both of us. I have hoped and prayed all along that we could restored.

If your husband is truly an alcoholic, your son knows this, and probably, if he has had many experiences with alcholics at all, especially his dad or someone else he is close to, knows at least a smidgen of what you feel without you explaining it to him. I am 32, my parents divorced when i was 18 and my mother still talks horribly about him to me, and I can't tell you how much it hurts. No one wants to hear bad stuff about their parent, EVEN IF THEY KNOW IT'S TRUE. In my opinion the best thing you can do is find someone else to talk to about your ex, and just let you kids know how much you love them.

I'm posting a comment in hopes of finding a way to appolize to the children of the man i was having an affair with, whom i've since married. I had been married 20yrs and divorce 7yrs because of repeated unfaithfulness from my husband, I knew the pain both as a wife and the mother of adult children. after being on the receiving end of that kind of pain I can't believe i let myself get involved with a married man knowing the lasting damage that would follow, and i'm more ashamed than i could ever explain. my current husband had been married 30yrs we were friends and i'd known him for 4yrs and knew he was miserable, we starting talking and it was like a train hit us from out of nowhere. Our affair (we'd never slept together, it was emotional) lasted about 3 weeks, when his oldest son saw me kiss him. All six of his kids were there to confront him when he got home, resulting in his son blacking his eye.he moved out that night He'd already seen an attorney a few days before his son saw us, the divorce took about a year. We continued to see one another throughout the divorce and married 6wks after it was final. He's had very little contact with his children although i continue to encourge it. I know they proably alway hate me, but I wish there was some way i could let them know how sorry i am, I'm not a horrible person, but what i did to them was so much more than horrible and i want very much to say i'm sorry. any advise?

Hi! We have been dealing with IKE down here the past few weeks and I have just now had the time to revisit this site. I want to reread the most recent posts before responding. I too am so glad to have stumbled upon this site! -- Please remebmer that good things can and should always result from negative situations - we just have to hang on and wait. -- I feel compelled to respond to many comments. Till then...please keep your chin up. :)

I'm a twenty five year old only child and my parents just finalized their divorce in August which started exactly two years ago. The information in this article was very spot on. Because of my age, I repeatedly told over by mother that the divorce should not be affecting when I tried telling her of the depression I was going through. I decided to start law school this past Jan. and moved to the other side of the country in order to avoid being caught in my parents bitter feud. However, because of the divorce and the financial expenditures that went along with it, my parents were not able to support me with school financially or emotionally through my first year. Instead my mother would call me just to berate my father through me while I was at school and tried to convince me that my father never loved me and would do anything to harm me if I tried to get between him and "the house". Anyways, alot of nastier things were said throughout that time and with the burden of the finances of school and the stress that I encountered being a first semester law school student, it all became too much for me and I ended up failing a course which led me to ultimately fail out of law school after just one semester. It's been a horrible and terrible hard year. I'm slugging it out and I believe things will get better, but I hope that parents who do get divorced when their kids are older do realize the effect that this will have on their older children.

I'm a distressed daddy's girl in need of help. My parents are just starting the divorce (after a 28 yr marriage) after my dad chose to be with the mistress he’d been having an affair with of almost a year. I was the one to find out about the affair and confronted him, his response was that the situation had gotten out of hand and he had no plans of leaving my mother. I have had no contact with my dad for over two weeks (when we had never gone without talking daily). I feel very misunderstood and overwhelmed with a lot of emotions. The last thing my dad told me was that he loved my mother and that I had taken the situation too personally. I don't know how to feel anymore and how to live my life as a young adult about to embark into my own marriage. There were so many plans, they've said that the only man in a woman's life that will not break your heart is your father, yet my heart is broken and my father is gone.

I am glad I found this site and to see that there are other AKOD's like me. My parents were married for 25 years before they divorced. I met my father's girlfriend a year before they seperated, and even though I knew about this affair, I didn't want to get in the middle of it. Keeping this from my mother was SUPER HARD! I didn't know what the right or wrong thing to do was. Unfortunatly, after a year, I couldn't keep it in anymore, but she found out anyway. I had an extremely hard life going on at the time of all this as well. Moved away from home for the first time, got out of a relationship, the family dog died, and my parent's were going through a pretty what would be nasty divorce. I started getting anxiety attacks and depressed from all the stress. It has been two years later and school is going well as well as my dating life. But I still feel the stress of my mother bad-mouthing my father. I feel like it is a major crime to talk to him or even see him. I've been telling my mother for years to please not vent on me. That I would comfort her when she needed it, but that I will always be her daughter first, before her friend. I am so scared of getting into a marriage of my own one day because of the anxiety I feel towards my parents. I really really really want to go to therapy for proffesional help.

I could really use help in this situation, although I certainly don't expect a lot of sympathy. I have been having an affair with a married man for over three years. I just broke it off this last weekend, after several weeks of agonizing back and forth. I'm heartbroken, and am still trying to parse out what happened.
Like one of the other posters, the married man that I was seeing started out as my friend as we worked together in a community service organization. And like the other poster, it was as if we got hit by a bus. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about anyone else, and he has expressed the same feelings over and over again to me.
His marriage, by his own report, was a sham. His wife had a major personlity change right after the birth of their only child due to bipolar disorder. He put a great deal of effort into trying to salvage the marriage, to no avail. Then, when his daughter began to act out, he left a lucrative career to become the primary caregiver to his daughter. He has not slept in the same bed with his wife for 15 years.
He is very close to his daughter, and has done an amazing job of raising her and protecting her from the craziness in the house. She left for college this year. He had promised me from the start of our relationship, that he would leave after she went to school. But it has been several months, and she is having a hard time adjusting to living away from home, and he is paralyzed and terrified about what effect a split would have on her. And I'm not totally sure he is wrong--I had a terrible freshman year, and I know I would have been devastated in the same situation.
But I also know that at a certain point, children also want the truth. I don't mean the truth about me and him--as far as we know, neither his wife or daughter know about us. But I mean the truth about the relationship that no one discusses. In my own life, my parent's marriage was very difficult, but they portrayed it to us as if we were a happy family. When I became a young adult myself, I had a very had time coming to terms with the lie that I felt had been our family. Divorce is devastating, but so is living the lie of the perfect family when underneath, everyone knows the truth. In my mid-twenties, I even began to beg my mother to leave my father because I was so distressed by how unhappy she was, and how he treated her.
I am obviously not a disinterested party, but isn't the lie just as damaging as divorce?

I found this site in search of answers to my questions of whether to divorce when my only child is 18 or now or not. It seems there is no good time for a divorce as the impact/damage on the child is never going to be neglegible. Now thinking back, maybe I should have divorced when my child was a baby. Now he is 8 and has a strong mind about thing and very sensitive and emotional, I couldn't imagine the pain he will suffer if his parents slit up. But our marriage has never been a good one ever since the start and we have totally different/conflict personalities. More fundementally, I don't trust his fidelity and he probably doesn't trust me either. And we have conflicting financial management view as well. Although we both are willing to try and patch up for our child's sake and have been seeing counsellor, life is still miserable and I feel I dont have a partner that is my friend whom I can share and joy and pain, except things to be with our child. Is there any future of our marriage? Should i suffer the rest of my life because i dont want my son to suffer? My son will suffer anyway because we dont have a happy household. I can't even pretend to be nice to my husband any more. Is it better to end the misery and live a real life for all the three of us? I am very confused and indecisive...

I am looking for guidance. I am dateing a man with adult children who are married and have children of thier own, ages 19 & 24. My partner and I want to further our relationship and marry. His children are against any other woman(except the ex) being in his life. To the point of emotional blackmail. " I won't be around you or love you if you are with her" My partner has approached the subject numerous times but the idea is firmly rejected. He has been divorced 5 years - we are in our late 40's and I have no children. His children have never met me. My partner and I love each other very much but is this an unsurmountable problem?

I found this site in search of answers for my daughter. She is 19 and been dating a wonderful boy on and off for 4 years, all through high school and is now a freshman in college. He loves her and she loves him very much and we(husband and extended family) love him too. They have the potential of having a wonderful relationship and or marriage. I see a lot of great things in their relationship, but they still have a lot of growing and maturing to do. In time, it will come. Here's the problem. He breaks up every time when things between them get difficult or it happens near special times in their lives. He comes from a divorced family. His parents divorced when he was very young (4 or 5) His mother never says a cross word about the father, and I doubt he about her. But, he has never witnessed a marital conflict and doesn't know how to handle conflict with a loved one, (I feel). My daughter, on the other hand has witnessed a lot of fights, some pretty nasty ones to be frank. But, has also seen us kiss and make up and move on. She is very strong willed and can be a challenge. (I know, because I too have had many difficult arguments with her, geez I'm her mother!) Every "break" as they call it, breaks her heart and tears her up because she wants to work through their differences staying together and he thinks they need time and space to think things over. They do come back together and I feel there is improvement in the relationship and they're able to communicate more specifically. But, as a mom, this is very agonizing to watch your daughter go through all this hurt and pain. I love the kid, but, if this pattern is going to continue for years to come, I can't support this relationship anymore. Or am I way off and it's just be a maturity issue? Can anyone give me any insight that over time it can improve or should I coach her to never get back together? I've already encouraged her to see a therapist on whether to stay or go. And just to focus on herself and her goals in life and be happy with who she is and love herself. Because without that you can't love anyone else.

I found this site in search of answers for my son(20) and daughter(18). I want them to heal from the divorce but their father can't be truthful with them. He had a long term affair and got engaged 3 weeks after we separated (I found out about it. He is moving to another state shortly. He has denied everything to our children. They are so hurt that all their father can do is lie, that now either they avoid his calls or don't ask anything that he may lie about. As you can imagine, their phone calls are brief and difficult. How do I help them heal? They're welfare is what is most important to me. They know I would never leave them and they have a home with me always. They miss their dad or the image of what they wanted as a dad. Help!

I loved this article, I am a 20 year old AKOD and have been looking for help in dealing with it as it all happened very suddenly a few months ago. There were no faithfulness issues, and no abuse within in the relationship. I don't personally feel that just because feelings in a relationship have gone astray or because arguments can't be solved that those are good enough reasons to divorce. The lawyers are making things horrible, and what seems like a salvageable marriage, is being ripped to shreads by everyone else but the two people in the relationship. I don't know what to do to make them quit listening to everyone else (mainly my mother) and start listening, truly listening to each other.

Thanks for all your posts they have been very helpful!

why is it when it a divorce people hurt themselves?

I am 23, and 6 months ago (a month before my college graduation; a week before their 25th anniversary), my parents told me that they were getting a divorce. In two separate conversations, Mom told me "I don't love him anymore." Later that evening, Dad told me, "I wanted to wait until you graduated college." As though at my commencement I was endowed with an extra reserve of strength that would see me through this; as though graduation made me a real adult who didn't need parents; as though I could know this and still regard my graduation as a celebration of anything and not the end of everything.

While they told me, they didn't tell my siblings until 3 months later, so I was left to grieve silently and alone. Even when they told them, my brothers seemed to be sad only for a few days and then went back to normal.

I don't know how to express how sad and broken I feel. Everything feels unsafe now -- in the months since my parents told me of their decision, my younger sibling was in a terrible car accident, later had to go to the hospital again because of further complications (he is fine now), and my job interviews went terribly because I was too sad to focus. There was even an earthquake. I know rationally that these things aren't related, but it feels like my safety blanket -- my family as I knew it -- has disappeared, and nothing is right anymore.

I can't sleep anymore because I lie awake at night worrying about something terrible happening. My mom just gets frustrated with me when I share my fear and sadness. My dad isn't around much and worries about me anyway, so I don't want to add to his worries.

I want to crawl out from under this rock. I want to feel safe and happy and whole. But it feels completely impossible. I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying. I'm stuck.

What am I supposed to do? Please help.

My children take their dad's side because I left and I had to leave the family farm house because it's where he works. He also has always bought their affection as he never had time to do things with them as he worked 7 days a week on a dairy and fruit farm and had a sepetate business with a apple packing plant. I can't compete and as far as my kids are concerned I'm stealing their inheritence. To make things worse because I did leave for another man who actually paid attention to me, my own siblings have nothing to do with me. Sometimes I feel like I should have stayed and been miserable because thats what was expected. I gave it 26 years and it would have been our 28th anniversary and we are still in this divorce.

Delighted to have found this site. I am only separated for two months now and still getting used to being alone. We were married for 25 years and have two wonderful daughters 25 and 20 both living away from home. My husband never had much interest in the girls and their lives ( too caught up in his own feelings and business) . They have only gotten a couple of text messages from him since he left. I have always been here for them and we have a very good relationship . I am worried that they will lose contact with their father altogether and come to blame me for this eventually. I don't bad mouth him and try to be positive and upbeat in their company. I have no contact with him and wonder what i should do for the best. Any advice??

I am 26 years old. My parents divorced when I was 21 and I still feel very hurt and distanced from my father even now. My dad was apparently battling with depression at the time. He started going out to the bars (which he had never done when I was a kid). He would get drunk and flirt with other women. My mom got a letter from a woman at my father's work saying that she was a happily married woman with a family and that she wanted to let my mother know that my father was flirting with her and wanting a relationship with her.

My mom called me the day after my 21st birthday at my part-time job to tell me that they were getting a divorce as soon as my sister graduated from high school which would be at least a month away. I was crushed. That night I went over to my boyfriend's house (now my husband) and weeped the hardest I have ever weeped. I felt crushed and abandoned.

I remember my mom calling me a few times and crying, wanting my comfort and support. I also remember confronting my father and asking why he was doing this. I "preached" to him about how this was not the way God wanted things to be (I grew up with a strong Christian faith). From then on I began a pattern of hating my father and distancing myself from him.

There were a few months when I was in college that I didn't have a place to stay, and I needed to move in with my father. My mother had just gotten remarried (happily to a strong Christian man who I love and respect). My father was even more depressed and was having health problems that were worsening. There would be nights I would wake up to the sound of my father sobbing. I was so scared. A daughter should never have to listen to her father sobbing. There would also be nights that he would come home late from the bars, hit the garage door with his car, and set the smoke alarms off with a burnt pizza in the oven which he didn't get out in time because he passed out too quickly.
He would also complain and yell about how he can't retire because mom would get half of his retirement and that wouldn't be enough for him to live off of.

At this point I felt like the adult in our relationship. I have felt like that ever since the divorce. I still only see my dad maybe 2 or 3 times a year and we live in the same town. I'm totally avoiding him. He doesn't contact me either except when his health is bad and he needs a favor from me.

It's really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I hate feeling this way towards my dad

My parents, married since 1976, with 4 children including myself, had separated almost 4 years ago. There are so many details to their situation as I am sure there are to everyone's story. The key items to mine are:
1. Parents have argued for as long as I can remember (I am 30 yrs old)
2. Mother blames my father because of his drinking problem
3. Father blames my mother for her money spending problem
4. restraining order was effective for three years after my father was released from jail and has been withdrawn last December (2007)
5. Father has been living in a 26' travel trailer for the past 4 years while my mother and 3 siblings have been living in the house, normally
6. Father has been very careful with his boundaries due to not wanting to go back to jail
7. Father is legally blind (Leber's Disease: LHON since ~2002), was a truck driver for nearly 35 years prior to losing his vision
8. I am married and have been for 4-1/2 years
9. I'm afraid my parent's situation will eventually affect my marriage
I love my parents very much, although I feel that my mother is stalling on trying to move things forward, whether it be divorce, or whatever. My father has tried to arrange a time/place to talk with my mother, but she continues to deny the offer, saying that she's not ready. I have about had it with her not being ready. At this point I have gone down the path of not communicating with my mother because she is not doing anything to remedy or move the situation forward. My father is a good person, and so is my mother, but their stuck in a predicament which neither of them knows what the right decision is. I want them to just get a divorce and move on with their life, because the drama that currently exists is a burden on the entire family, including my own. I chose to stop communicating with my mother because I want her to do something. I guess you could say it is leverage. I really don't know what I am asking here, but I just want to be heard. The silence between my parents is killing me. I want them both to be happy, together or apart, it doesn’t matter. It is uncomfortable living in the same town and wondering if we are going to bump into each other and how we may respond. I've written my parents and told them how I feel, but I refuse to talk to them verbally about this due to past situations getting too emotional which I feel is a distraction, and frustrates the heck out of me. Thank you for reading my story. Suggestions appreciated.

I posted on this site a few months ago and while reading other people's posts often helps me feel like I'm not alone, I'm not entirely sure this type of space is helpful. Though it facilitates discussion, it is one sided since no guidance is provided, and no ways of coping are suggested. In a sense, I feel as though we all feed off each other, whereas I'm looking for some strength and encouragement to move forward in my own life. Further, though I realize the moderator is trying to be inclusive here, I don't believe that some of the posts above should have been allowed- especially from women/men who are the "other" or "third" partner in a relationship. Though I can appreciate that you have several issues that you need to deal with, a posting board dedicated to ACOD does not lend itself to your needs or problems; especially since many of us are grieving here because of people like you.

i will be 33 next week, my parents divorced after 30 years; and things definitely we never the same. i was 20 when my parents decided to separate and by 21 they were divorced. i have read all the threads, and i can say that i can relate to all the above situations wrapped up into one.

i have an older brother who is 36 who hates the world, a 31 year old brother who died of a drug overdose two weeks ago, and a half sister that is 7 from my father's 35 year old ex-girlfriend.

from agentina, my mother and father met in 1966 and were married in 1968. they both worked hard to save money and arrived here in his 21st birthday. they built a very successful company here together, and gave their all for a great life. because they grew up very poor, my father became a hard man who has always been caught up in appearance and material goods. when i was 13, my father was having an affair, which was completely devastating for us. but my mother forgave him. and tuffed it out for the sake of her love for him and our family.

my father was very ungrateful and one day at work, he was unforgivably rude towards my mother and that got the ball rolling. my mother slept downstairs for a few months cause she felt he has no authenticity in his apology. my father said he wasn't going to stop living his life and started going to dance clubs almost nightly. he met a crazy 27 yr old woman and filed for divorce. after 5 years, he broke up with her while dating another 30 yr old; who he has been with for the past 5 years. yeah...

needless to say, the past 10 years of my life have been the saddest time of my life. and it was and still is a messed up divorce arrangement. the whole thing! ugly, sad, complicated, destroyed dreams. my two brothers and i have all bore the pain in completely different ways. my older brother became bitter towards the world, does not believe in religion, just plain unhappy. while my beautiful younger brother who had a zest for life, was kind, patient and incredibly talented and smart...was silently shattered. i do not blame my parents divorce or my parents for his death, all i can say is it is very sad for all of us.

you chose how you see others; chose to see them in a unconditionally loving light and they will become that of how you see them. we all stink at times! i hope that people can learn to let things go, remember the love, chose to be happy with your life, appreciate eachother, and never let eachother go. be the change.

"There are also online support/discussion groups and websites created by adult kids of divorce, which can give a voice to the feelings and experiences of AKODs."

PLEASE list the website(s) for this if they do exist. I, like many people here, can't find anything, and this is not an adequate arena for seeking support. THANK YOU!

For the most recent posts: Divorce hurts the entire world - and the hurt that it drops on the immediate family - especially the children - is always devasting no matter the children's ages. There is a unique security in healthy, and somtimes even the not so healthy marriage. Divorce for whatever reason can be become a blessing to the children - and it's a plus when there's trust already established in one of their parents. That parent will not be the one who maligns the other. The parent that maintains the trust of their children will be the more stable parent. The ideal situation would be where there's trust in both, but this is rare.

Remember that you still have a life to live - allow that life to live through a moment of pain over a situation between 2 people who have made a decision. You have to view it as simply that - a decision. This is not to say that it is right or wrong, good or bad - and it IS a decision from which YOU should learn brings about choas. Marriage and family are never to be taken lightly. YOUR feelings are never to be taken lightly.

>>> But YOU now have a decision to make for YOURSELF. Will YOU move on - with or without your parent(s)? Without anger? Without bitterness? Without regret? Without guilt?

Emotion can be a stumbling block. Move on with confidence that YOU have a life to share with the world! Make it a life that YOU proud to share! YOU are responsible for YOU fisrt - this will make ALL the difference in the responsibilities you choose to make a part of your future - a wife/husband, children, your job. It will make a profound difference in the way YOU treat others - even your parents. Love yourself first - and extend an even greater attitude of grace and love toward those in your periphery. It requires a staying power that will balance and stabilize you emotionally.

YOU have every right to enjoy YOUR life!

IKE really has been a distraction for me - it is nice to be able to rejoin the conversations here!

Never be ashamed of your feelings.

My best to you all -

My ex of 26 years left me for his best friends wife (she - interestingly filed for divorce just before my ex told me he wanted someone who would do what he wanted....)
Our adult son was beginning to adjust until the two married soon after her divorce was finalized and after our son became engaged. Things were starting to adjust again when son and wife were expecting and the stepmother decided she wanted a baby so now at age 42 she is expecting.
I choose not to see his father or be near him (my mother in law and I are close) until I finish healing; and I will not talk about his father as I am still full of anger and disgust. Son is angry I think at both of us... I have asked him to see a counselor - as I have. I don't know how to talk to him anymore - we used to be able to talk about anything.
He chose to 'park' at mine and his grandmothers home but when it comes to my beautiful baby granddaughter I am constantly chastised-- I don't hold her right, I don't speak to her right, everything I do is wrong - it is to a point where I wonder if he would be better off staying at his fathers as the stress is too much when I have to walk on pins and needles....any advice????

So much similarity ... My parents divorced when I was four and neither of them were active involved parents for me. I found a mother in my high school girlfriend, and continued seeking mothers afterwards. Met my wife at 26, we've been married now for 20 years (a record in my family), and we are seriously considering divorce in '09 after the youngest graduates high school. I love her as a mother to me and our children, and respect her many fine qualities, but I haven't had sincere intimate attraction for her in years. Our sex is a joke. We both need something Real and my departure seems inevitable. Especially as the trust is broken: I got all infatuated with another woman and never told my wife (who would?) but she found out, I never touched her, but I did lend her money and tried (unsuccessfully) to hide it, I've since kept my distance but the fact is, I am seeking the next new woman whether I mean to or not and my wife cannot trust me. She in turn needs certainty I cannot provide, and I (apparently in midlife crisis) need the adventure and self-discovery that my social dysfunction prevented me getting as a young man. So the die is very nearly cast. I am thankful we have two strong well-adjusted kids whom we will always treat as our children and not as marriage counselors. I'm glad I never actually cheated. I look forward to the freedom, and I dread it, as I have never been functionally single before. Anyway, it is all of a pattern, and my focus will be on my kids being able to make improvements to the model they were given just as I made improvements to the model I was given.

Hello,

I was very glad to find this site. I am a 25 year old student in medical school, and last week my mom called and informed me that my father asked her for a divorce. I am in school hours away from my parents, but I get a call from one or the other or both everyday. This has immediately affected my life, my schoolwork and rotations, and everything. I am recently engaged to be married myself, and I now realize that I don't even know what a happy marriage is! I am much closer to my mom than to my dad, and my dad (who never called me) keeps calling me to make sure I don't hate him. He reminds me that he pays my tuition and will pay for my wedding. My mom keeps telling me personal things about what she thinks my father is doing, and how he's planning to leave her destitute, but he assures me this isn't the case. I wish they wouldn't put me in the middle. I wish they weren't getting a divorce, and I wish they would have waited a year for my wedding and big graduation to be over before splitting up. Are we just a family of selfish people? My brother, who is 7 years younger than I am and is in his senior year of high school, is taking this very hard and won't talk about it to anyone. He's planning to attend college far from home now, and says that he won't be attending his high school graduation in June. My family is falling apart, and I'm taking this really hard. Any good advice on what I can tell my parents without jeopardizing my relationship with either of them? How can I help my brother?

Thanks,

"Jane"

I am 22. I am a senior in college and got engaged to be married last summer. I found out the day before Thanksgiving 2008 that my mom fell in love with another man and had been seeing him on the side. She told my dad the day after thier 30th wedding anniversary a few weeks before Thanksgiving. My mom never came hjome while I was home for the holidays so I wrote her a letter to tell her how I felt. She called me and yelled at me telling me that I judged her so I apparently am not allowed to have feelings or express myself according to me mother. I hate her. My father moved out this past weekend and the same day my mom's new boyfriend moved in. I told her I do not want him living in our house that I am uncomfortable with this and need time. My 14 year old brother is there all the time and says that the household dynamic is awkward. My brother has a learning disability and few freinds. I am afraid he will start acting out and my mom will ignore all warning signs. I also feel guilty about planning my own wedding, my family is getting smaller by the day because of this and my school work is suffering because I can not sleep or concentrate. Luckily my fiancee is supportive and knows that I would never place myself in a situation like my mom did, but my wedding is still going to be awkward and I'm not sure if I want to invite my mom or if I will even attend her wedding if she marries this new boyfriend.
Thanks for listening. Any advice?
"Vanessa"

I am the oldest of three children and will turn 30 next month. My husband and I live with my parents who have been married 32 years as we have recently returned to the Uk after living abroad. We came back from work yesterday to find that my mother has left. She is refusing to speak to my dad or my brother and sister, but has told us she is having an affair - but claims she isn't living with him. I am full of hatred towards her after seeing my dad in the state he is in. He isn't abusive towards her and doesn't drink - he gives her everything she wants. It is now up to the children to pick up the pieces - my sister has been off work to help and my brother is trying to finish his finally peices of work for his degree which are due in this month. I just can't see how we can cope - and we have no one to turn to for support.

I have been summoned to appear in my parents divorce hearing this week.
My parents began having problems that were visible to me about three years ago, but I chalked it up to the whole empty nest thing as my younger brother was just moving out of the house. This past summer they spent their 32nd anniversary separated. My mother has done everything in her power to sever my relationship (and my sibling's) with my father including attempting to push photos of his adultery on me. She states she has proof that he has been with another woman on nights that I know he has slept in my spare room. Our relationship has suffered horribly & I am questioning my own character & marriage. Up until now, my relationship with my dad has been relatively normal: we don't discuss the elephant in the room & pretend that it is normal that he comes to visit & spends the night (totally weird). My father's attys initiated the summons as they say it is imperative that they prove my mother is trying to undermine my relationship with my father and to testify that there were evident problems with their marriage before the other woman my mother has identified even met my father. What do I do?

My parents have been married for almost 28 years. As a kid growing up I was the only one to still have parents married, but also still in love and affectionate towards each other. Over the past few years they have been falling apart and I have become a shoulder to lean on or vent to. I am 22 years old with a 27 year old brother. They announced to us they were officially divorcing and have an appt with a lawyer next week. They're already in a lot of debt so expect to have to file bankrupcty and lose the house (they wouldnt make enough if they sold it and go their separate ways. My parents have been paying for my college, I still have a 2.5 semsters left and they told me I need to get a loan of my own and pay for school myself. I have several health problems and have been unable to work full time in years, so getting a loan won't be easy. Even though I knew the divorce was coming, sitting down as a family and making it "official" has broke my heart. I feel like since I'm an adult, I need to grow up and not act "like a child" about it. Also, I am resentful towards my father for many reasons leading up to the divorce and don't expect to ever have a close relationship with him and fear my mother is going to fall to pieces since she is already severely depressed and on disability for a back injury, so financially she will struggle WAY more than my father. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me to help take care of her and I don't feel like I can handle all that stess right now, I have already been taking care of her for years through her illnesses. I feel guilty for feeling all of this. My question is... any Adult Child of Divorce.. How do you know when it's okay to let a parent lean on you and when to take a step back for your own emotional well being??

thank you

-Ambellina

Well add me to the statistics....never thought it would happen but I decided to step out on my wife after years of internal unhappiness. I didn't express my unhappiness as loudly as I should have I guess or she chose to ignore it. There was always something more important and we focused on raising two great boys who are now 20 and 24.
My infidelity was found out and she cannot get past this in order for us to fix it...and to tell you the truth I'm tired of living with someone I haven't really loved for many years.
Tonight we told them over the phone that we were seeing lawyers and separating. They are both hurt but were making mature assurances of their love and support for us both.
I appreciate finding this site because it makes me realize that they are still children at heart (as we all are) who will be hurt and deeply affected by this and I must be there for them too....it is about them too and I must remember that. We had already decided on maturity and dignity and established the no bad mouthing thing.
We are going to divorce using collaborative law and hoping this can work and lessen animosity.

I am a divorced father of three adult children including a 20 year old son who "chose"' to leave with my ex wife one day in April 2007. Chose is in parentheses since he really didn't have a choice as I didn't know they were leaving and thus had no input into providing choices for him. Despite overtures to my ex to discuss providing the right messages to my son so that both parents are involved in his life she cannot bring herself to do so. Thus my son remains angry and distanced from me. He had to keep the secret that his mother was going to leave me to himself. What a burden to put on an 18 year old. There was no infidelity just unhappiness I guess. No forwarding address was provided and although my son remains in the community near where I live and I see him occasionally he continues to blame me for the breakup. His self esteem has suffered greatly. I feel helpless and can only continue to be patient and as supportive as I can.

If I have any advice for divorcing parents of any age child including adults it is that despite all the anger and upset that comes with the divorce the most important parties in a divorce are the children and they need and are entitled to the love and support of both parents. They should not be used as pawns in a power struggle.

I see myself in so many of these... I kept wondering if that was my mother or sister posting until I saw the age didn't match up.

What does one do when one of the parents really is in the right and the other is in the wrong? My father used to be a good person, but he developed a drinking problem. We finally got him to admit it and get help, but it took my mom moving out of the house to get him moving. I was in college by this point. Despite my father's drinking problem, my parents still had a pretty strong relationship. They ran a business together and talked on the phone several times a day. Neither of them thought of themselves as separated; they both just knew that he needed space to beat his drinking problem and that we were going crazy thinking we could do anything about it. But then the real problem happened. Suddenly his entire demeanor shifted and he became more distant from my mom. You guessed it: cheating. And with a girl 20 years younger. He became this selfish, emotionally abusive monster who bears no resemblance whatsoever to my Dad. He lost his (very good) job, but refuses to get another one at the same level because he would have to ditch his girlfriend. He was, and largely still is, our sole means of support. He uses this as a tool to manipulate the kids (the youngest of whom is 18) into talking to him.

My brother and I refuse to talk to him anymore and have pretty much accepted that our Dad is dead, but my sister is very easily guilted into feeling bad for him. She has always had a soft heart and been easy to push around and he knows it. Considering all the horrible, horrible things he has done to all of us in the past year, it very much hurts and angers me that she keeps talking to him and keeps slipping into feeling sorry for him. We need to stick together, but her actions are upsetting everyone and enabling him. What the hell am I supposed to do?

ive just been informed today that my dad and step mom are getting a divorce. and well im 19 and literally just met my dad for the first time in january of this year. ummm lets just say the beginning and the middle of my life seem to be a huge flop and im now at the piont where i really dont care. i moved away from everything to be with my dad only to find out that he finds no problem in looking up russian mail order brides and seem to have no affection towards my step mom who take time out of her super busy chedule to get to know me but my dad doesnt want to seem to take the time out of his schedule of sitting around the house to get to know the only son who really wanted to get to know him. i have a half brother that ive never met but from what ive heard my dad screwed up there to. i dont have any friends to confide in down here and the ones fbk from where im from i really dont want themto know about the fact tht i moved from one messe up situation to another. so the only thing i really ihave rite now is my thoughts in my head and well thats not going well either. let me know your thoughts on thing!

Hello,
I found this site looking for something to help me cope with my divorce. It was a hard one, one I didn't want and I have an adult son with children. I have been divorced for sometime and still have feelings for my X (rejection, and anger). He left me for a friend of mine.
My question is how do I share my grandchildren with my X's new wife, we were friends for years. I don't want to hurt my son but it hurts me to think that she will get to have them too. I really want to get over it any advice out there for me. I want to move on.

My father left my mother 3 days after xmas 2007 - 15 months ago - they are 82 and have been married for 61 years . my father is now living with a youngish woman - about 50 i think - who had been living in a bedsit and was and continues to be unemployed , they had been having an secret affair for about 12 months. The fall-out has been awful and i,m absolutely furious with my father and dont know what to do with my anger . I feel really upset about the fact that he expects me to pick up the pieces when he knows i have had a stress related illness for some time.Im also furious that my parents have gone from being fairly wealthy to not very well off because my father has spent a LOT of money on his girlfreind - money that my mother has earned and worked hard for all her life . my sister absolutely cannot even mention it and the grand and great grand children have been left confused. The whole thing is a complete mess.

Hi everyone. My father left my mother after 40 years of marriage...he did it in a horrible way - telling myself and my sister before actually breaking the news to my mom. And things have deteriorated from there. My sister and I barely speak to him now.
Although I am incredibly distraught over the "death" of my family as I once knew it, I have to admit I am also a bit relieved. I always thought my parents were the gold-standard of relationships and that I should strive for what they had together. How wrong I was. Before they split, I was actually questioning my own marriage because my wife and I didn't seem to intertwine the way I thought my parents did. Now my marriage is stronger than ever (in part due to supporting each other through this ordeal) and my parents despise each other. It was almost like someone lifted this big weight off my shoulders because I no longer had these expectations heaped on me, about having the "great" marriage my parents did.
The other "positive" that has resulted from the split is that my wife and my mother get along so much better. Has anyone else had this experience? Whereas before the split my wife had some tension with her mother-in-law, after the split my wife and mom seemed to bond...although initially their favourite topic was bashing my dad. This left me feeling completely torn - I was delighted to see my wife and mom getting along, but I felt guilty sitting there and allowing them to rip my dad to shreds (altho he deserved it in many instances - for his infidelity, money-hoarding, etc.).
The comments about ACODs above, and the blogs, are completely bang-on -it is a very difficult, very confusing, almost surreal thing to go through. I feel for all of you, and my heart goes out to that last blogger with the 82 year old parents...I hope you're coping ok and keeping your chin up.
All the best to everyone.

Wow - this is a powerful site! Thank you for sharing.

I am 26 and an ACOD. My parents got divorced when I was 18, a freshman in college. My parents never fought, etc., but were not happy. At first hearing the news I thought "good, they will be happy now". I didn't think about how it would affect me. For me dealing with it left me drinking, etc. too much, having clingy relationships that ended poorly, not being able to trust people, and forgetting to care for myself(really really important).

I am still in therapy (on and off 9 years!). I am learning to set boundries, have a relationship with both parents, understand the resulting confusion, stunted emotional development and depression/anxiety I often feel.

I was touched by the writings from the 20-ish group (I am there!)I feel and felt the same way. My advice:
1. Go to therapy (if you can, if you are at college you can get some good services free/minimal cost). Therapy is not a quick fix, but something to help you grow - and it hurts, but worth the healing! Make sure you feel some type of connection with the therapist - if not, not the right one, find another.
2. Read a book about the grieving process. You need to greive the loss (there is one called Rebuilding: After your relationship ends, by bruce fisher. It is for divored people, but does a good simple job of recovery). Any book generally says the same stuff about grief - processes with steps.
3. Share your parents divorce with people - and try to connect with people in similar situations. I talk to selct ACOD friends and it is a good way to not feel alone. You might relate to some stuff, you might now. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS "ICKY" and you need to connect with people to heal.
4.Learn to set boundries with your parents. You don't need to fix them, or make them happy. That is their job. You need to keep yourself well. Learn phrases like "it sounds like you are having a hard time", "I am sorry to hear that" "let me give that some thought" to stop converstions and move on. You are not their therapist, and trying to be will make you miserable. Take note of when you feel anxious talking to them. Reflect and see if there are nonjudgemental ways to change conversation or the situation (I won't do certain things with my mom becuase I feel trapped - long drives)
5.Your parents divorce doens't mean you can't have a wonderful relationship. You are a very special person - you are not your parents.

XO 4 healing!

Im almost 20 years old and i hate when people say that because im older and can understand the situation more that it shouldn't affect me. Well how can it not affect you when you find out that your father who you looked up too has been cheating on your mother for 3 years and is dating this woman on the side. My mother is a wonderful woman who has a full time job and is also going to school. Last January, my father moved out of the house and my mother and i had no idea what was going on. That was an extremely hard year.It was hard because i grew up in this small town and still live there. All the good times we had and all the fun. Everybody knows everybody. My father is well respected in the community and it is so embarrising. I had to be there for my mom as she tried to figure out how she could save her marriage because she doesnt believe in divorce. I blamed myself. I thought he must not love me any more because Im not doing well in school or I didnt turn out to be the daughter he thought I would be. Financially, it got harder. He didnt kick us out of the house or anything like that but it was still the thought of it all. When it all came out in the open that he was seeing this woman i didnt know what to think. My mothers faith grew stronger as she prayed and prayed for strength. They have been talking about divorce for a year and a half and nothing. They finally got legally separated but he is still putting it off and putting it off. It kills me to see him and her together. The hardest part is seeing what it does to my mom. She is so strong but it is still painful because none of this is fair to her. Even as a sophomore in college, it still affects me and my relationships with my wonderful boyfriend. I'll snap sometimes or think he's comparing me to past girlfriends because i hear my mom do the same. I know understand why young children often have hard times developing relationships. You look at everything with a "jaded eye". But even at 19 1/2 it can still be unbearable. Sometimes it almost harder when all you've known for 19 years it gone in a snap. I guess i just needed to vent a bit. Thanks for everyone for all the advice. My one little piece of advice would be try to find the light through the darkness. If my dad and this lady end up together, i will have an adorable little stepbrother.

XOXO your not alone

I'm so grateful to the poster of March 21st 09, that's some great advice. I don't have any friends whose parents are divorced and still alive so reading these posts has made me feel less alone - I don't want to call on friends for sympathy when they would give anything to have a mom or dad that they could moan about! Thanks for sharing. It's hard for everyone involved in a divorce but I think there are two reasons why it's hardest for children of all ages: 1) there's no sense of "ownership" of the process (you have no say over how and when it happens) 2) the conflict between loving your parents, and being angry with them and having people you love hate other people you love is mindblowing stuff. Plus it's not just little kids who think it's their fault - all the old cliches are true! You think you should be able to deal with this "complicated stuff" because you're an adult. But give yourselves a break (I wish I had), why on earth would you be able to? And give your parents a break, why would your divorcing parents know how to behave for the best unless they learnt it from their parents divorcing? A surprising positive outcome for me is that if my parents hadn't admitted their marriage wasn't ok (as they had pretended) then I would still have a false idea of what a healthy marriage looked like. I also wonder if I would have ever got to really know them as individuals if they'd stayed together. Of course I'd rather they'd done things differently but that's a couple of silver linings anyway. I agree with the advice to go for therapy, but DO make sure you have friends to support you as you go through it because it can make you face up to some powerful stuff. It's not an easy option by any means. It will make you stronger though in the long run. Also look at the following websites which can help deal with or defend against depression (that can go with being an ACOD):
http://www.findingoptimism.com/blog/
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash free tool for cognitive behavior therapy
http://www.mind.org.uk/
Good luck. x

This is such a wonderful site! I am also 22, my parents have been married for 27 years, and my dad just left my mom a week ago today. At first I was furious for his decision. How can you leave a relationship that you worked so hard to create? But after talking to my dad for 2 hours yesterday, I really just want to understand and love him. I feel guilty that I am not "hating" my dad like my mom is. I feel that I am betraying her!
My parents just have my sister who is 25 and I for children. My sister and I are really starting to feel the same way on the situation, but I almost feel like I am not being sympathetic to my mom like I should be. Did anyone else have this problem with their parents?
When my dad left, he said that he moved in with a "friend." He later told me that she is a really great woman and she is not out to hurt my mom, sister, or I. I really don't want to hate this woman, but I feel like I am betraying my mom by not automatically hating her.
I am sorry if this is kind of jumbled together, there is so much I want to understand, but I guess these are my first confusing issues. Any words of advise would be Much Appreciated. Thank you!

I was informed yesterday that my parents have decided to divorce. It's been mentioned in the past that they were contemplating it but nothing ever came about. The first time was 10 years ago.

I've always known they haven't been happily married. I've always explained to my friends that I thought they were just comfortable and didn't want to leave that comfort zone they had spent 26 years creating.

After the news from my Dad yesterday I feel like my whole life is crashing down before my eyes. I'm 25 and live at home with my parents and my youngest sister who just turned 17 on two days ago.

I think I feel hurt by the situation. I've never had a good relationship with my Mom. I've tried going out of my way to spend quality time with her, like taking her away on trips but nothing ever changes. This morning as I was sitting in my room I heard her saying goodbye to my sister. I waited to see if she would come in to say goodbye to me and she didn't. I even went out to the kitchen to see if she would say anything and still nothing came. I suppose I could have spoken up before she walked out the door but I feel like I'm always the one making the effort.

Both of my parents are wanting my sister to move with them once the house sells. I know my sister is leaning towards living with my Dad which I know is going to break my mothers heart. I worry that she wont be strong enough to get through this. My Dad has said that I'm more then welcomed to come live with him once the house sells. I've been ready to move out for awhile now I just figured I would do a little bit more traveling before I had to settle down. I'm worried for my sister that she's going to get caught in the middle. My Dad has told her that she's under no obligation to live with him but she knows it's the best situation. My Mom is bribing her with the idea of getting a dog once she gets settled (She's always hated animals)

I worry that once they go through with this divorce I'll basically lose any relationship I had with both my parents. My Dad's a homebody and doesn't like going out very much and well I couldn't even see my Mom calling me to say hi unless she needed something. What are the holidays going to be like?

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about this long rant that probably doesn't even make sense. I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head. I haven't told any of my friends yet. I can't bring myself to do it! If I tell people that means it's a reality...

Hi. I dont know how to deal with my situation. My parents are splitting, my mother threatens to leave, will go and stay with a friend and my dad cries on my shoulder. This happened and then everything seemed fine for a couple more months, but the situation has reared its ugly head again and seems quite serious as my mom has told some of the family members. I have been staying with my boyfriend and his family for a few days as I dont want to get in the middle as I am extremely sensitive and feel like I need to fix the situation but can't. I am meeting my mom tonight to talk about what is happening because I believe that I have a right to know what is going on. Im struggling though. What can I do....I feel as though I am going to freak out!

I'm 30 years old and engaged. My father has struggled with depression and social anxiety his whole life. He was spoiled as a child and because he didn't get a nice condo and new car when he turned 50 he has decided to change the only thing he can in his life and leave my mom with all the old, broken down stuff and expects her to pay him off so he can go live the "goodlife". He thinks that if he says mean hurtful things to her in hopes that she will just get so pissed off that she will sign the divorce papers to get him out of her hair. He has gone so far as to camp out in the driveway in his RV for the past 4 months instead of getting an apartment.

Well, he finally slipped up and admitted to me that he has been cheating on her. That is all she needs to get an attorney and take his sorry butt to court.

I'm so tired of him bad mouthing her and telling me that he will do anything and everything it takes to piss her off so she will sign the papers with out an attorney.

I know I have taken sides and I'm to the point that I would go into court and tell them that he confessed. It would destroy my father and his side of the family, however I don't think anyone understands how mentally ill he has become. I dont feel that my mother, a positive do gooder should have to pay him off after all the support she has given him.

I have had a very disturbed childhood. My dad is physically impaired and my mom is not from a very well to do family, but a very respectable family who always sticks to their principles. They have been married for some 26 years now of which i think only 10 yeras were at peace. Later my uncle got married n everybdy was very partial towards my aunt. everythn that was a big no for my mom became a big yes for my aunt. And my aunt is an evil bitch. she led to partitions in the family. even my grandmom chose to stay with my uncle and aunt and abdundant our family like we never existed. its been 10 years since we have been seperated from our uncles family. but even today the fights in our family havnt cm2 an end. My father blames my mom for his family having left him. though it is not my moms mistake but coz of my aunt who belongged to a well off family and my grand mom who was inticed with the charm of money. i am 25 yrs of age n my parents have been fighting continiously ever since i remember. my mom has even tried to commit suicide which is completely disaprove of, but my father has never tried to mellow down and sort things out. i am really disturbed wid all dat is hapnn. i myself hav had 3 unsucceful relationships, the last one where my guy was two timing me.
i have lost all trust in relationships and now i cant even try to solve my parents fight. i have given up coz i dnt think thr is anythn i can do. they just dnt listen and keep crying their own woes. i think my family is going to shatter any moment. i dnt want my younger siblings to go throught the missiries. i myself have no idea wats gona happn to my life. my frenz think i m d happiest one aroun with no pain. but this is smthn i cannot discuss wid anybdy, if my parents get divorced i wont be able to face the dilema. i dunno wat to do. i just feel like running away smwhr. Please help me. i really hope everythings gona be fine at my plc. but i think that's too much to ask for. what have i done to diserve all of this. i have never been mean to anybdy or caused any sorta probs. then y is all this hapnn only wid my family.

Im 18 and my parents just separated today. i cant help but feel its my fault. i just didnt do enough around the house maybe i said something. its making me really depressed. depressed to the point of suicide. i cant take this pain im feeling i cant stop crying. i have 2 brothers. one is a 20 yr old good for noting the other is only 6. i dont want to leave him. but i just cant take it. i love my little brother but......he shouldnt have to go through this hes lonely enough as it is since his friend moved a month ago. now my mom left him too. mom is on unemployment since her job was shutdown bout a year ago. my dad rarely works when he doesnt work he smokes pot. i just feel so useless. i dont know what to do. if i wasnt in the army id be slicing my wrists right now.....but if the cause of death is suicide then no life insurance check for them.....i should just go walk in traffic and pray i get hit cuz i dont deserve to live. money is really tight round here and if i die.......they could really use that money..... my brother would be better off. money solves everything right? thats the way it is in this world.... i have yet to feel love....but it isnt worth it. love is just anther word or pain and suffering....i cant take it....i dont deserve this..... my brothers college would be paid for. why should i live? i would bring nothing to this family......

I am 20 years old, and my parents divorce was just finalized about five months ago. I feel that I'm moving forward (the divorce process took about two years), so I've had time to accept and cope. However, the problem is that both my parents had affairs while in the marriage. My dad had an affair earlier, when I was very young, and my mom very late (when I was a junior in highschool). My parents got divorced because of my mom's affair. My dad just couldn't get over the fact that she had done that to him. Now that my parents are divorced, my mom is still seeing the man that she cheated on my dad with. This man is now separated from his wife, but as of very recently. I'm so torn...if I accepted this man, my dad would be absolutely crushed...this man caused my parents' divorce. However, if he makes my mom happy, how could I not accept him? I feel that I'm in a lose-lose situation, and I have no clue how to deal with it.

Well, I'm 22 now and my parents decided to get divorced when I was 21. It was a long time coming and I had heard both sides to the story having been the only child. There was no adultery or infidelity, but my Dad was hardly ever around because of work and my Mom NEVER voiced her opinion or stood up for herself. I was living in Chicago when they announced their divorce and I knew that there was no way my Mom would be able to support herself after the divorce even with my Dad's alomony. It just so happened that my job could no longer 'afford' to keep me so I decided to move back home. I am now torn between both parents. They wanted to use a mediator but my Mom went to a lawyer for advice and now it has gotten into a bitter divorce. Today my Mom said she doesn't want to ever see, hear from, or talk to my Dad again. I love them both and know their marriage is far from repairable and I do not want them back together but I want my Mom to get OVER this intense anger she feels and has felt for the past years. She doesnt even want my Dad and I taking the dogs to the dogpark together anymore. I don't want to ruin my relationship with them by being caught in the middle. I said I didn't want to be in the middle and BOTH have forced me into this position. I wonder if moving out on my own would do any good, but since my Mom and I can't afford not to be roommates, its hard to separate the situation. Any more ADVICE would really help! I try to distance myself and I still get caught up in everything. I have refused to show up at their court date or testify. Help!

i am 37 and this divorce between my mom and dad after 35 years of mairrage will be the hardest thing that ever hit my family. i am distraught,still,even after reading everything i can find on this subject. i am in a deep greiving that i don't know what to do with. greiving doesn't even describe it. i need to tell my 17 year old son and i just don't know how to. the divorce papers will be served on thursday the 21st and i am afraid of the wave of terror it will unleash on our family. i don't know wether to tell him now(he is finishing finals this week) or to wait til he is done.......if anyone can help me and they run across my little additiona comment to this site, i would really be willing to listen to any advice they could send my way. addy is dianaallen26@yahoo.com

Hello all,
I posted on this site a few months back after my parents announced that they were getting divorced after 25 years. Even after 1 year to deal with it, I still feel so deeply alone.

While I appreciate that this site exists, it's simply not as good of a forum for support as it could be, and many of the other sites this one has suggested are sadly defunct, so I made this little message board where we can have discussions and maybe even be of help to each other.

It's very bare-bones, but we'll see how it goes.

Hope to see you there!

http://members.boardhost.com/ACODsupport/

My mother called me last night in tears to tell me that she has called it quits on her and my fathers marriage. I have been crying ever since, it hurts so much. I am lucky I guess that I don't live at home anymore but I always thought that I would have a family to go back to if need be. Now it's all ruined. I am 19 and only moved out 3 months ago with my boyfriend. I have 3 younger brothers who are 12, 15 and 17 who still live at home. I feel especially bad for my 12 year old brother, he is so young.

The reason she left him is because he has no job and has become increasingly lazy, never helping out around the house or spending much time with my brothers, taking up smoking and sitting aound eating and sleeping all day. There is a reason for it, about 3 and a half years ago he badly injured his shoulder and had to stop working but I guess it has become too much for my mother. I have always been a daddys girl, being the only daughter and I feel so bad for my father. He has a history of depression and it really worries me. We don't know where he is which worries me even more. My mother says she feels like a bad mother and that she still loves my dad but his laziness drives her mad. Despite all of this neither me nor my brothers really saw it coming. My poor father didn't see it coming at all. I keep picturing him crying and it's tearing me up inside. I haven't spoken to him, I feel he will need time.

I am not going to take sides, I love both parents equally and I don't blame my mother for leaving him at all but it still hurts really badly, they were married for almost 21 years. I never thought this would happen to my family. We were all so happy before, I wish we could go back to how things used to be.

I can't stop crying, my poor boyfriend doesn't know what to do with me. I couldn't even face going to university today, this whole thing just sucks so much!

Reading all of these other posts has made me feel a little better though, at least I'm not the only one. I would appreciate any help though, I don't know what to do.

Hello. Well, let's start from the beginning: I was the only kid on the street who didn't have two families. My parents were married for 27 years, and only divorced 4 years ago. I am 31 years old now, and I was told this news while I was living in Germany with my husband. I was heartbroken. My mom didn't understand how I could be so hurt, after all I am an adult. There are no custody issues, I am a fully functional adult and have a family of my own. Regardless, I still felt as though my world had fallen apart. I had set the standard of my marriage to my parents devotion and longevity.

Fast forward to this past weekend: my father married a woman who is similar to my mom, only not as insane (I was the best-woman in this unconventional wedding). Tonight, my mom called me and put me on a three-way call with her current fiance (she has had 3 since the divorce). I was OK until after the phone call. Now, I feel as if I am being pushed to take on too much too soon. I am sitting here in tears wondering if I should finish off the other half of the Ben & Jerry's in the freezer or run to the store for smokes (I quit smoking years ago). It would be better if I went for a run, I guess, but it is very late and there are coyotes where I live.

Anyway, I have asked my mom to give me time and she has agreed, but now, I will be meeting her fiance in like 3 weeks. I think I am getting too old to bounce back so quickly. My mom is trying to tell me all this negative stuff about my dad, but she is the one who left him to pursue a truck driving career. I am worried that sh*t will hit the fan when I meet them (it will be in a family reunion setting) and that our relationship will undergo serious strain. But, I can't just be her supportive friend. I am not sure I would want to if I weren't her daughter.

I am not sure what to do with all of this emotion. I am not really an emotional person (my husband says I am more of a man than he is), so dealing with all of these feelings is becoming increasingly difficult. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

Like so many postings here, I am a 28-year-old daughter of parents who just announced to me that they are divorcing. My situation differs, however, in that the three of us (mom, dad & me) are employed by our family business. Aside from all the family drama involved in a divorce, I have the added drama of work. My father cornered me tonight asking my opinion on how he should handle settling the financial issues of buying m mom's stock in the corporation, and called her lawyer a shark that was out to get him. I have a feeling that the next few months are going to get very ugly and I can't escape any of it, since it affects my work life too. I feel like I've been backed into a corner - in this financial market I'd never be able to find a job that would financially compensate me as well as my family's business does, so leaving work & finding another job isn't feasible. I hope I can find the inner strength to get through this tough time, but today I guess I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up & finding that strength to rely on. On top of it all, my husband and I are starting to try to have a baby, but I wonder if all this stress & turbulance is a good environment for me to be making such a huge life decision.

so glad i found this website i thought i was just going crazy myself. My parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce and my wedding is less than two weeks away. All my life the only thing they are worried about is themselves and how they look to other people. They don't really care about how much they are hurting me and my sister. I also can't stand how my mom wants everyone to feel sorry for her every minute of everyday. Mom lies, dad lies even the lawyers are lying it is driving me and fiance crazy. Now mom wants me to not sit her next to my dad at the wedding to which I told her to grow up and get over it that they can handle sitting by each other for one night. Can anybody help?

I am a mom of 2 adult kids and a 17 year old. My husband left me after 26 years. He had an affair and has a sex addiction. My kids know that he had an affair, they know that he has not provided money at times since the separation. The 2 older ones have spoken with their dad and even though they say it is not the same and they don't trust him. The 17 year old has not spoken to his dad since the separation. I am actually a little angry that the older 2 are seemingly getting along with their dad, even though they are angry at him. I have encouraged the youngest to contact his dad and have him in counseling to help. Why am I not better able to handle this with the kids?

Wow. Most of the comments are from adults who are dealing with their parents recent divorce.
For those of you who are adults going through a divorce, find another chat room. This is like the one place that we can go to vent. So please, do us a favor and butt out.
That being said; I am a 24 year old newly-wed. My parent's marriage exploded when my mother had my father arrested and I had to bail him out of jail. I was given the honor of telling my 18 year old and 21 year old siblings the fantastic news that my parents 26 year marriage was over. My brother won't discuss it and my sister is handling it with a grace that I can not find. I spent a lot of time trying to "fix" things. Supporting my mother, father, trying to plan a wedding. Finally my husband and I said screw it and married in Vegas without any of them. Our extended family was really close sharing weekends and holidays we thought we were so blessed.It still makes me sad to think that I had no one to share my special day with. In the aftermath of the announcement sides were chosen, the police were involved, and I had to begin taking Valium to save myself. I finally realized that their marriage is their problem. I now refuse to discuss it with them and have developed a nasty habit of gossiping; discouraging anyone from telling me things that need to be "kept secret" from their ex-spouses. Yes, my relationship with my family has suffered and will never be as it was before. I am crying as I write this. It truly breaks my heart. They were my whole support systems. But if this divorce has taught me anything it is how to be my own person. So those of you who are out there dealing with this crap everyday, hang in there. Try to think only about yourself for a while; I think it might be the only way to survive. Is this post sad and jaded? Absolutely; but so am I. I hope this advice helps someone. We need to band together. As one we are a minority but as a group we can learn from and send love to others like us who need it.

does anybody know, if your child wants to move out of house at the age of 18, and still going to school is a parent responsible for child support? he wANTS to live at his buddys house and i think the buddy moms is going to come after me for $

I hope someone out there can commiserate with and help me. I'm 21 years old, I just graduated from college, and I’m trying to plan a wedding to a man who is currently serving a one-year tour in Iraq. To top it all off my dad decided to leave our family about a week after I came home from college. I woke up one morning to a phone call from my mother worrying about where my dad was (he works the night shift). I was the only one at home that day. My mother and brother were at work and my sister was at school. To make a long and heart breaking story short my dad had been having an affair (he hates that term, he prefers a relationship) for months. We thought he had been working extra shifts. He told me that he was leaving over the phone. He took that step because he had just called my mother at work to tell her and she was very upset. He wanted me to check on her. He hasn’t been home (to stay) since. The longest he’s been in our home was for a few hours on Father’s Day. His new woman treats us like crap, though I have never met her. She even told him that he had to choose between us (his children) and her. He said he would never do that, though phone calls are rare and visits even more so. He won’t even speak to my mother about mundane aspects of life. They were (and still are) married for 24 years and together for 28. It just hurts all around. He likes to say that the relationship between him and my mother is between them but it’s really not. I see her pain and trust me, she is not a mopey, weepy kind of person. I can hear her cry late at night. I don’t know what to say to help her move on and I can’t say anything to him without it turning into a fight. I don’t really know where I stand. I feel like vulnerable like a small child but I can comprehend everything that’s going on. My siblings deal in their own ways (my brother is 20 and a college senior and my sister is 15 and a high school sophomore). None of us seem to be able to really get past any of this because my father doesn’t provide any of us with real answers. I don’t know what to do. It’s like we’re all just stuck in this hell we’re supposed to call our lives. I’m losing patience with everyone. Does anyone have any idea how this feels?

I have read all the comments and wish that I could give advise however I am looking for some as well. I am 30 years old and I am married and have 1 child of my own. My Mom went away on vacation and decided not to come back. My Dad is a complete mess, depressed and totally leaning on both my sister and myself. I find this so hard because my Mom was my best friend, and since this I am finding out that she lied about so much to us and for so long, how much and how long we may never know.
My Dad lives in a very small community where everyone knows everyone and what goes on.It has been about 5 months since she left and most people feel that Dad should be over this and should not be depressed. Are they right? I hear things like "he needs to just forget her", "he needs to move on and find someone else", I think he was in love, had no idea of a problem, and is very hurt. Should I try to get my Dad to go to a therapist? I am afraid if he does not get past this I will loose him.
I do have another concern with my sister. When my Dad talks about Mom she agrees and says things like she does not want anything to do with Moms relatives, yet, when Mom talks about Dad she agrees with her. She is being two sided/ faced and it is rediculous.
As for me I have very little to say to anybody as I still cannot get over the shock and hurt this is causing, and to more than just the immediate family. My grandfather is not doing well and he has expressed to me that it is because of this seperation. Aside from the issues of this I, as mentioned before have a husband and a child so I also have them to think about and care for, my husband is supportive which is a blessing to me. I am thinking of getting a therapist or atleast an individual for my Dad to talk to for support or advise.
Sorry if this sounds like I am rambling on but that is how the thoughts go through your head. I have been looking for advise and the only thing I can say that is helping me through each day is that I know there are people out there that are going through alot worse and that with time it will get better "Time heals all". It helps to vent or write about it sometimes too. I know these posts will help some and I pray that everyone looking for help will find something that gives them even a shred of hope that they are looking for.
Good luck to you all and just remember you are not alone. Thank you to who wrote the post dated Mar. 21, 2009 12:19 P.M. The support tips are very helpful and wise.

To the person who wrote on July 28, I know exactly how you feel. I experienced something very similar following my college graduation last December, and I have been stuck in a home for the past seven months with on-and-off feuding parents. The vulnerability and reversion to feeling like a small child with the intellect of an adult is overwhelming. For many weeks, my weeping mother became my alarm clock several days of the week, and my seemingly heartless father continually tried to blame everyone else for his actions (he also refuses to consider it an affair). While my parents have not called it quits, being held in limbo for the past months has been agonizing, because my father gives nothing but vague answers. Every day something reminds me of a childhood memory that I had completely forgotten, and all I long for is my happy, functional family. I have finally landed a job in this market, and I am so happy to be getting out of this hell I have been stuck in, though the anxiety that comes with leaving this time is far more challenging than the anxiety I felt before leaving for college. My family was intact then; now I might not have a home to come back to. This whole thing was an absolute blindside. At this point, my father has had countless opportunities to redeem himself, and it is really easy to forgive him when he acts interested in our family and repairing what he so severely damaged. At the same time, it is very easy to want to just write him off when he seems so opposed to being with the people who love him the most. Being the youngest of the children and an adult, at this point in life, it feels not only like he has rejected our mother, but also his children and family. This is the most painful rejection, and its effects are deep and lasting. I used to want to be just like my dad, but the day my hero became a villain was one of the worst realities I have had to face. I can't even relate to my own past anymore.

after 3o years of marriage I am divorcing my husband, I stayed in my marriage because I tried to leave years ago and was told I would not get custody of my children. I endured years of "testing" from my husband, and mistrust. My children are in college and I need to be myself and be best that I can be. I have lived with alcoholism and emotional abuse. It's time for me, How can I explain this to my children?

I am 46, been married for 27 years and for a short time last year my husband and I separated which was my doing. Our daughters both in their early 20's, and my husband were devastated and I ended up going back to the marriage because of this. I am still unhappy. My parents stayed together for 50 years until my dad died and were unhappy for as long as I can remember. I wished over and over that they would get divorced so that they could try to each find happiness. I'm very confused. I feel as though I should stay in my marriage to keep everyone happy, but don't want my kids growing up thinking their parents marriage is happy when it's not, and I often wonder if sacrificing my own happiness is the right thing to do for my kids?

I read things that say I will get over this. I never will. I never saw it coming, especially the way that it happened. My mom cheated on my dad, and I would have never seen that coming. She is a church person, and someone I have looked to as basically perfect. Now all of these secrets come out that my dad had been abusing her, that my siblings had seen and never told me. I feel like I would have killed my father for doing that to her if I had known. I was away at school when the majority of this went on. Other things have come out, like I have a half brother somewhere by my dad and that he had been selling drugs when I was a little kid. My 17 sister got pregnant and both my parents wanted her to get an abortion, which she didn't, and he is a wonderful boy, but then it came out that my mom had an abortion before. It seems like they were hiding everything from me and that nothing is what it seemed all of my lfe. They are so different now and both had significant others from the beginning of their seperation. All of this is not so bad for me because I am not there and I can deal with it, but my brother is ten and they seem to treat him like me and my other two adult sisters. I worry about the kind of person he will turn into in this environment. He knows almost everything about it I do. It is a combination of him seeing their permiscuous behavior, finding sex toys, hearing sexual activities, and the lack of supervision. He and the rest of us are pitted against the other parent, and sometimes each other. He cries about it all of the time, and freaks out when they have to come into contact with each other. My mom wants to bring in a new settlement, and that will dry up any money left in the family. I'm sure I will get over it. Ya right.

My dad just told me tonight that he is planning on separating from my mom. I am 18 years old. I am in the middle of performing in a musical (H2S) with my dad in it as well. I am taking 5 college classes worth about 19 credits total. I am performing in another musical which is causing a lot of stress added to all that. I don't feel like I am grown up yet. I don't think I am ready to grow up completely. There are a lot of things I still need to learn. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know if I want to have anything to do with either parent or if I should move out and away from both parents (maybe stay with a friend) or stay with my mom. I am not ready to live without them. I don't know what to do. I would love any and all advice. Thank you

In response to the above comment. I really do feel for you. To drop this on you isn't fair. It seems whichever parent wants to divorce drops the info at the worst ever time. I don't know if this is because they are just thinking of themselves or there is never a right time.
My mother and father are divorcing after 38 years of marriage. I'm 34 and the divorce has been dragging on for far too long. It seems my mother has now turned all her so called morals around to suit her. She has been having an affair. She ran off one day! No explanation to me (who I might add was going through my own break up with ex fiance at the time- very bad time) I had to contact the police to find her. I've not heard from her in 18 months now! She has my mobile number. It seems she wants everything on her terms?? What a mess!! Her lover who spoke to a member of the family seems to think everything will be alright between my mother and I after the divorce?? What does he know? Everyone thinks he is stopping her from seeing me until the divorce is over. Quite frankly it's not enough. It's too late and any kind of relationship with my mother has now been destroyed. My mother left behind a very distraught husband (my father). He is ruined financially and will need my help. She disgusts me. There is so much more to tell about this whole sorry drama but it's been hell! The mental and psychological suffering she has caused and lies has been absolutely mind bending! I'm told this can happen with an affair. They will do anything and say anything to make it ok in their mind. To turn on your blood is unforgiveable and this is one person who will never be speaking to her mother again. People seem to think I will change my mind but they have certainly not been through what I have. I needed my mother at the time too. It has to be said she was never a sympathetic nurturing mother and this saga is a typical example of the kind of mother she always was. I now never ever want to marry or have children and I'm with a man recently divorced. We both support eachother emotionally and understand where both of us are coming from in what we want from life now...........A sad, sad story!

I am 28 and my parents are getting divorced after 35 years of marriage. They've been saying they're getting divorced for 1.5 years though and they are still living in the same house - but don't talk to each other. Neither by sibling nor I live close to them. I honestly think they are both clinically depressed - to the point that they are paralyzed from being able to make a decision to make this move forward. My dad doesn't talk to me anymore and my mom talks to me about her work and my work - and rarely brings up my dad or getting divorced. I have no idea how to create boundaries or to get them to hurry up and get divorced ... I'm so sick of the state of limbo and its stressing me out and making me doubt my capacity to have a relationship. What should I do?

- Trailrunner

Can I do anything for my grown children (early twenties)to help them cope with divorce, i do not talk bad about my exhusband but even then i know the kids must miss him, even though they saw his distructiv actions, i bet they hope it was different. they dont want to talk about it with me and dont want to see a professional. the divorce happened this year, 09.

Hi, I am 25, married with one child and another on the way. My Dad has been having affairs since I was 4. My parents were going to divorce after my mom found out about one when I was 10 years old. I wish they would have. My dad continued in his unfaithfulness until couple years ago when my mom found him emailing other women. They were going to get divorced, but somehow he convinced her to stay permanently separated. I don't know how many times I have been told it is "not about me." Why then can I not sleep without having dreams about yelling at my parents? Why can't I go 4 days without crying over it? I would love to be on depression medicine, but I am pregnant. I don't understand why my parents are told to only think about themselves and not how this affects their children. Seriously, if I didn't have any kids I would probably give up on life.

I am 22 years old, a senior in college. In January of this year my mother sat me down and told me she was leaving my father. That he had been having an affair with his secretary (a phrasing which he doesn't like. He prefers a relationship with someone he respects) and that she had been unhappy since I was in elementary school. I told my mother that she should do what would make her happy and I would support her. She seems to have taken this to mean she can call me in the middle of the night and insult my father for hours on end, that she can ask me to steal things from his office for her, and to help her pay for her divorce attorney.
My Father likes to tell me that he is being the 'adult' in all this, that he would never put that kind of pressure on me. But when I say I don't want to get to know his new girlfriend (she is 26 and doesn't speak English) he calls me prejudice and tells me I have no right to judge him. He is still legally married to my mother. And I had known her back when she was just the secretary, I had helped her little sister get into college in America. The fact that I feel betrayed by her as well doesn't seem to enter the equation. My father also tells me about how he wants to have kids with her. When I say I'm not interested in being part of his new family, he says I'm being selfish. I want to yell and scream back at him, but I know that will accomplish nothing. And someone has to be the 'adult'.
I know that I am an adult, but these are my parents, and when I am 40 they will still be my parents and it is not fair for them to ask me to treat them as if they are my friends. Frankly, right now, I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them.

This article's helped, my parents are currently going through a divorce (it's my mam who left my dad) and she told me by a letter after finishing my last uni exams, I'm 21 and they were married for 27 years. I've taken it really bad but keep my feelings locked inside as I don't want to be a burden crying all the time and just feel so sorry for my Dad who's now on his own as I chose to carry on with another year at uni. I decided to live with my dad, at first as I was so shocked my mother would do this and because i didnt want to live in a tiny town miles away from my hometown, and because i was worried for my dad that he may drink n harm himself or something, although he's shocked me by being the mature one and remembering to treat me as their child and guard me from it as much as he can. I haven't spoke to my mother and vise versa for 3 months now and it makes me cry everyday when im by myself, so im considering councelling as i miss her, but then think she can;t miss me as she'd have contacted me. she has practically shut me and my dad off from her life, im lucky i have brothers who she is still in contact with as they didnt take the news so bad. she doesnt even know what masters course i've chosen in uni or my new address.
anyway, from reading other comments, it's so important to let your kids know you love them and will always be there for them, at the moment, I only know this from my Dad. The children shouldnt have to deal with the emotional guilt of chosing who to live with etc, the guilt i've been made to feel keeps driving me to want to crash my car when it's dark, just to see if my mother would care if i was in hospital or dead.
sorry for having a rant but i just don't know how to deal with it, when i was growing up and saw families with two households etc, i used to think they werent normal in some kind of way, and now mine's become one and it just hurts so much.

My mother in law told us 3 weeks after our wedding that they were splitting up. She is now remarried to a family friend. We live far away from her and asked if she would like to come for Grandparents day for our 6 year old. Sure only with her husband though. She is putting us in a place were we are the bad guys. She never calls or emails to see how the kids are doing and when she does the kids could care less because they don't know her. She only visits twice a year and when she does she thinks money buys love. She will not come with out her husband and says that we are makign her choose us over her husbnad. They fight all the time and we just want her to spend some quality time with them alone. Again it is grandparents day and he is not their grandpa. Are we wrong?

I am so glad I found this website. Just reading people's comments gives me comfort in realizing that people feel the exact same way I do. It has been at least two years since I felt that something between my parent s was just not right, and a year and a half since I learned about my dads interest in another woman. There have been so many chances for him to come back and turn things around. I feel like my world is in limbo. I have a younger brother and I am scared that all the yelling and seeing his mom cry so much will affect him later in life. I wish I could do something to change my dad. It is easy to forgive and repair the damage my dad has done. But then when he acts like he doesnt care about family or us, I just want to forget about him and move on. I cant go longer than a few days without thinking about this and wondering what the holidays will be like if/when my parents divorce. I am scared confused, and just wish it could be like the old days when I had a healthy happy "normal" family.

So glad I found this site, and found there are people out there who are going through similar things as I am. I am 25, and my parents are divorcing after 34 years of marriage. I have 1 older sister, 30. I didn't know that my mom cheated on my dad years ago with a former classmate she met at a Special Ed school she worked at. I just knew that there was always this distance in my parents marriage, now I assume because of it, and I also found out that my mom has a perscription drug problem and a problem with drugs themselves, and my dad seems to be a functional alcoholic, and also has issues with being racist,. So neither of them are greatest people. A couple years ago, my parents were having problems, my mom was constantly putting down my dad for not doing enough around the house and my dad was always complaining about my mom spending too much money. My parents hadn't so much fought, as complained to me about each other and let their feelings escalate, so when they did fight they were so angry, it always went badly. Around this time, against my dad's wishes, because of having the previous affair when she went there, my mom, who had been unemployed for a year, decided to take a job at the school where she used to work. There, she met a black man, a former student who helps out there, and is about 20 or so years younger than her. To this day, she denies she has done anything wrong, her lying about where she was constantly and her cell phone bill showing her constantly calling this guy proves to me there is something going on. Then she brought him on a family vacation last Oct., (dad didn't go) and finally on New Years, my sister and I sat my dad down and told him what we knew. My mom moved out shortly after. Thing is, I'm 25, and everyone acts like this shouldn't bother me,dad keeps saying how it's a "blessing" this didn't happen when were kids. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not on my own, while I have a job, I cannot currently afford it. When my dad moves, I am going to be forced to chose who I want to live with, my dad and my mom are not planning on living close together, so I basically have to chose 1 parent I want out of my life, while I want them both gone. Since I am an adult everyone expects me to be okay with this and support my parents, and I have noone to support me. My sister and I aren't close I don't want to live with her. I don't have any friends I can room with. I have no shoulder to cry on. Please e-mail me at AlisonParkerHanson@hotmail.com if

(cont of last post) if you have any advice. I feel like everyone will think I am being immature and I'll be accused of not handling things well enough if I let people know just how hard this has been on me. I mean wouldn't this be normal for anyone? Wouldn't anyone have a hard time dealing with such awful revelations about their parents? That their parents r not the people they thought they were? I feel most of the time I'm having an internal emotional meltdown and it's a struggle to not let it show. It would be so much better if this had happened when I had already moved out, but there is nothing I can do about that. I cannot just hope the situation will somehow resolve itself. If I were a child, I would have people care about my feelings more, and I wouldn't be forced to make these hard decisions. My parents can no longer communicate and at least if some other lawyer or mediator was involved and I was younger, some kind of agreement would be drawn up, I would have to decide where to live and who I'd be celebrating holidays and birthdays with. Being a grown up kid living at home feels like the worst case scenario. Also, I am not currently in a relationship, and having seen my parents marriage, which was so horrible, it makes me not even want to persue a relationship or marriage. I have no faith in it. I feel like one marriage has already ruined my life, and I don't want to let another. I just feel like I cannot have a successful marriage because I didn't have one modeled for me. Statistics show kids of divorce, often divorce themselves, that scares me. My parents got along ago, but they just never seemed that happy, and a kid picks up on that. I hate how my parents act like they did me and my sister such a "favor" by waiting to divorce until now. It's like telling your child, "I stayed unhappy because of you" What kind of guilt is that to put on your child? Guess it all turns around, because now I'm the one forced to be unhappy because of them. My advice to all you parents out there, don't stay in a bad marriage til ur children are older. Its not doing anyone any favors. Its like ripping a band aid off slowly to prolong the pain, instead of just ripping it off quickly and getting it over with. Kids are resilient, they get over things easier. Adults don't, that coupled with AKOD's often not getting the help we need, makes me think it is actually much worse to put ur kids through this when they r adults. E-mail AlisonParkerHanson@hotmail.com w/advice

(Con't of previous) Not to mention this makes me feel I like I have the worst two parents in the world. My mom says how she doesn't talk bad about my dad, but she sits there crying telling, "I'm not doing anything horrible to him, even though he is being horrible to me", which is basically a way of saying, "I want you to feel sorry for me and not like your father", and my dad has done the same. I get sick of hearing them cry to their friends when I have no one to cry to. I am just sorry my parents ever brought me into those world put me through this. I apologize for all the posting, but I just felt like I needed to get this all out. I just feel like I want to hide from the world, and forget that my family exist. If you have any advice please e-mail AlisonParkerHanson@hotmail.com.

im glad to have found this article.. i feel like there are a lot of similar cases to mine... i'm almost 20 years old and i came from a very close family, until i found out that my dad had been unfaithful. my parents dated for more than ten years before they got married and were married for almost 25 before they seperated. my dad had been having numerous affairs that tore my family apart. i carry so much anger although i still love my father. i hardly get to seem him and i feel like he doesn't care for my brother (17) or me anymore. my mom has been having a difficult time coping but now is overcoming everything. i dont know how to heal from these events...

I'm 24 and my parents are getting divorced. Horrible things have unraveled in a very short amount of time. A month and half ago My mom found out my dad was having an affair - and he said he was leaving. She attempted to end her own life and was in the hospital for over 2 weeks. My dad, almost 60, said the woman was in her 30's. I have an 18 yr old brother away at school.My family meant the world to me,I was very close with them, I was devastated. Then it got worse-I found emails from the woman saying awful things about me,such as:"I just want to forget about your daughter so I can stop hating her to this poisonous degree.""I have nothing nice to say about your daughter(having never seen in her the slightest inkling of goodness)""She's not the one getting divorced and she doesn't even live at home anymore so it only impacts her inside her head(her poor shattered worldview)" She is mocking me here, I told my dad many times my whole world had been shattered. I had never met the woman, so clearly my dad was painting a horrible picture of me. I had always been VERY close to my dad, he was an amazing father- this was unbelievable. I confronted him expecting him to realize how horrible this was and how much it hurt me, and all he did was defend her. He told me she thought I was spoiled and he said it's female jealousy and "I'm sorry you had to see it." He claimed he didn't like it when she said these things, but figured I'd never hear it so it wasn't a big deal. Then, a week later I found out she was 22. As if this wasn't sickening enough, more horrible things continued to happen. I tried so hard to show my dad I needed him - to snap him out of it - but he didn't get it - he became someone I did not know- he slapped me across the face and then mocked me for crying, he left me crying hysterically on a curb at midnight, I told him he was going to lose me and he said he understood. I told him I can't have him in my life while he is involved in this inappropriate relationship and until he realizes what he's done and gets help. He couldn't believe I asked him to choose. This was when he left me on the curb crying. I haven't seen or spoken to him since (in over 2 weeks). I'm devastated and not doing well.I feel like he's gone forever. I don't think it could ever be normal again. He seems to think that since I'm an adult I should be ok. This situation is so messed up- almost unreal- like fiction. If anyone has insight or advice my email is: crtnvernon724@gmail.com

Wow there is alot of comments. Well I am 24 and my mom decided to divorce my dad becuase she didn't love him any more(stupid).So me and my mom were like best friends I had a 10 month old and a 3 year old at the time and was married and had our own home so to help her out I let her move in with us and then later made the desision to move into a biogger house so she could live with us until she got on her feet.1 moth later with no notice met some guy off the internet and just left us hanging with this new huge rent payment and moved out with him 2 weeks after dating him.We had to move again.My granfather got hit riding his bycicle by a car and killed him. My father had to move in with my grandmother and so we moved unto my dads old house(thank god that worked out)NOw 1 year later after forgiving my mother of all the bad things she had done and trying to give her new husband(oh ya she got married two months later after they had dated) a chance even though I hated him. My mother is a completely different person she is all about moneysnobby and of the world we were raised as small town down to earth,church going loving humble people and I know she is just acting the same way as her husband because she loves him and dosn't want him to leave her shes desperate. Well hes so rude to me when my grandma was dying he wanted for me to go take care of my other grandma so he could be at the hospital with my mother he yelled at me and I told my mom and she made excuses for him and told me it was my fault and my mother would never do that before and I told her what happen to you you use to be such a good mom and she told me no I wasn't because look what you and your brother turned out to be.(just because we had chosethesmall goodthing over money she now thinks were falures we both have very stable loving happy lives before this divorce. Then I told her I didn't want to talk to her again and then I felt like that wasn't the adult thing to do so she called a week later and I said thatI was sorry and she was just like oh yah im sorry did you get my e-mailand I was thinking ok the real appology was there and I checked it and it said miss you call me,and her reason for calling me was because she said she was tired of not talking to me anymore. So really what I think she just wanted to see my kids or didn't like tnot talking to me not sorry just didn't like the repocusions of her actions and now I dont know what to do I have every right not to have her in my life. What do I do?

i haven't read all the comments but ive skimmed thrpguh it. I'm 19 and im on this site because i'm fed up with my parents divorce. its funny how things can go from perfect to ruins in such a short timeframe. my parents still fight-it may not be directly but its defiantely throguh me. im stuck because i chose not to side with anyone and it annoys me like crazy. sometimes i feel like my parents do things throguh me inspite of eachother. i hate it. im always stuck in the middle and i can never win with it. its been over 2 yrs and they still cant put it to peace. i really don;t knwo what to do. it affects my study, my happiness, sometimes i feel like shutting the world off.

I have read a lot of the comments. My parents divorced when I was 24. I have been on my mom's side all this years. But I know it is both of my parents' problem. My sister can balance very well. I always feel angry when I talk with her about our parents. I agree she is much maturer than me. I envy her all these years. I know I need grow out of it. I write it out so that other people who are similar to me know you are not alone. But I think I will grow out of it.

I know no one has posted here in a while. I wanted to say that I loved this article. My parents are divorcing after 35yrs of marriage. My Mother has been ill for six years. The result, dialysis three times a week. My father told my mother that he basically just doesn't want to take care of a sick person anymore. To describle divorce as an overall feeling... you would have to come from divorce, there is no other feeling like it. You feel all these emotions at once. I am thankful for my loving and devoted Husband everyday of my life. He has gotten me through a lot of things. Also I find it helpful to talk to a counselor. It's just nice to talk to someone who is objective and nonjudgmental. It really does help. Thank you everyone for taking time to read this. I wish everyone on here happiness. God Bless You All.

Brynn

I was 38 when my parents divorced after 40 years of what all would have considered a good marriage. 10 years later my dad has disowned us because we won't continue to choose his side. It is painful for us all but we won't live in anger and hate. He is like a child saying, "I hate my mommy!" All because it doesn't go his way! The advantage of being an adult is that I know I love him so if he wants to have the illusion that I don't that is all on him!

Divorce changes a kid forever!!! and not for good. The winers that say "my parents stayed together and wern't happy". Did you ever talk to them about it? Did they tell you that? Probably not.

Happiness is a state of mind we choose every day. Love is a choice as well. Show the kids how that works.

Divorce only when abuse is present. Otherwise work it out! It IS a state of mind.

I'm 21 and my parents recently split after 25 years of marriage. My father has since had many girlfriends but my mother has become very depressed and cries the majority of the time. This has put an inordinate amount of pressure onto my sister and I and forced us to grow up very quickly. I think the hardest thing about being an Adult Child of Divorce is the expectation by your parents and everyone else that you are unaffected and okay. It is this expectation and need to be strong that i think creates a huge burden and pressure on A.C.O.Ds.
I am currently in my final year at University and for my radio project, i am looking at A.C.O.Ds like myself. If anyone would be happy to speak to me about their experiences, I would really appreciate it. I feel it is very important that we highlight the difficulties that we go through.
The radio project will only ever be shown to my lecturer and i can guarantee you anonymity if that is preferable.
Additionally, i am based in the UK, so it would be ideal if the A.C.O.Ds i speak to are too. But this isn't a necessity.
Thank you in advance.
Laura R

Thank you for this article, I'm now 28, but at the time of my parents divorce, I was 23 and was heavily involved in the entire situation. Both my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, threw me into the middle of the entire situation - which unfolded in what seemed to be a flash. (we were a happy family until that 1 day). Arguments back and forth, it was exceptionally hard. Since then, I've tried to move on with my life, successful career, successful personal relationship. But I am still at home, looking after one of my parents, they both haven't been able to move on from the divorce, both still are lonely people, I feel like Im a baby sitter sometimes. Watching over them, hoping they don't end up alone. I know so much time has passed, yet, I feel I am still stuck in this situation, can't leave them alone, etc.

This article has given me the motivation to try and find some help regarding my situation. If I cannot help them, hopefully I can help myself finally move beyond the situation.

To anyone in their early twenties dealing with this, my biggest word of advice is to stay out of it. Don't listen to any of the situation. Be there for them, but move on. Don't become a part of it. I lost my twenties because of this, don't do the same to you. Even though I am successful, I still feel I have not been able to actually live. I used to be a socialite, now I hardly even go out on social occasions.

My mother and father seperated when i was 16 yrs old. My life is very difficult because my mother says stuff about my father when me ande my brothers and sisters is around her. I don't like it when she say things about my father because it puts me in bad situation. I love my father more then what I love my mother because my father gives me everthing and I am the oldest in my family. My mother just say things about my father and i get really angry, my mother is an alcoholic and i dont like he when she is drunk, she talks silly about my father and say things that we dont want to hear

whatever happened to the vows they took. my dad recently left his family of nearly 30 years to go be with some other woman and her 2 kids. i just cant believe this has really happened! i would always have been so proud of dad and admired all his strong characteristcs- especially his guts and honesty!!! well now im tryin to figure out was any of what he protrayed real- i love him and i hate him at the same time! we still talk but the bond of father and daughter is well and truely broken and as far as i can see beyond repair. i will always be there is he needs me but my priority now is my mam who is about to try start a new unasked for future for herself while some other woman is in her place and getting the time, love and support that he never showed her.

This article is great.. it gives me a better understanding on the other side, although not sure how it can help me get through my situation. I'm actually the stepmother to 2 adult girls, 22 and 20. The 20 yr old recently moved back home after having moved out.. .shortly after I moved in (hope I didn't lose you with that one ;). Anyhow, she wanted to make things work and declared a change when she moved back. Recently termoil happened. She is stressed about going back to school, relationships and whatever it is, that she feels she can use me as a punching bag!
She totally disrespects me when she feels she's not getting her way. She acts things out recently typically when her father isn't around, and then gets upset if I tell him what happened, then blaming me for her change in relationship with her father.
I am so not a confrontational person, and really want to talk it out with her to make it work and to have a peaceful environment, but her character is not an easy one to deal with. My boyfriend keeps telling me that the way she is (which is also completely disrespectful with him), is perfectly normal. When I ask around, and my sister-in-law also comes from a divorced family, they way that she carries herself when we've done nothing but good to her, is NOT normal.
Any insight?

I am 25 years old and my parents separated when I was 7. My father moved out to live with his mistress and to this day they are still together. The interesting part is that my parents never divorced. They are still legally separated while my father has been living with another woman for the past 18 years. He met this woman at my elementary school n/c her kids attended there as well and started having an affair with her. My mother wanted to work it out for my sake but he felt differently. After my dad left I started having behavioral problems and lashing out at my mom. My mom is the sweetest person, but I became distant. Over the years, I became angry and bitter. I never dealt with it until now. Evan after all this time it still hurts. I still don't understand....
My parents have been married for 38 years and I have a 35 year old sister who is not my mother's daughter. So you know that infidelity started affecting their marriage a early on. The sad thing is my brother is just like my dad. He brags about his "many" women and my father even has the nerve to give him pointers about how to navigate his crazy relationship issues...and this is done in the presence of my mother. Its so sad to see my brother turn out to be just like his father and he doesn't even know it!
Today I cried and told my mom that I never had a family. My family life has been so "dysfunctional" for years that I don't know what normal is. My father is 65 now and he is still living with this woman and paying all her bills...she doesn't work and he has the nerve to ask me for money sometimes!
My parents get along now but I feel hurt. They are at least cordial. I often wonder why they never divorced but now I don't want my mom too. God forbid, but if something happens to my dad my mother would get EVERYTHING and "that" woman would get nothing. She has benefited enough from being a home wrecker. Can you believe these people go to church every Sunday too?!
I guess I suppressed my feelings for so long that I never dealt with it, but recent relationship problems with my mom made me do some soul searching and I now realize the source of my anger. I am going to do something about now, even if that means seeking professional help because I want to be free and trust people.
To those of you whose parents are going through divorce or separation now, please deal with your feelings NOW and talk to someone (e.g., counselor) if need be.

Adult Children Of Divorce: Confused Love Seekers by
Geraldine K. Piorkowski is an excellent book on this topic.

i've posted back a few months ago but just cant get my head around everything. dad left mam last year after 30 years of marraige to risk everything he had for someone he spent a few months having an affair with- how much do you really know after some sly hidden meetings. mam is in the process of trying to set herself up- a new home, new life, not what she asked for but hey the other woman is now a kept woman though my mother asked for nothing, worked and supported dad in everything. I try to have as normal a relationship as possible with him but he may as well have a self help book in front of him when he talks to me!!! he just gives pointless advice of how to cope with his doing! I really struggle to understand how he can walk away without feeling any remorse for mam. I spend every day every minute thinking about this and no matter what i do i cant accept this. mam tries to be 'together' and ok around me but i know her heart is broken and will never heal after this- how can you walk away and leave a woman so broken hearted and kids (adult or not) so devastated for someone you don't even really know.

"Leaning on an adult child as a confidant, badmouthing the other parent, using the child to carry messages between their parents, or telling the child, “You’re just like your mother/father!” are ultimately all abuses of the parent-child relationship (2), and can be detrimental to the adult child’s own healing and development. Most parents would never consider treating young children in this manner."

In my experience, most parents do this to their young children too. Granted they may wait until the teens to fill them in on all the details, but in a way knowing the details was better than just the emotions. At least that way I knew where the emotions were coming from.

I'm 20 years old and my parent's are in the process of getting a divorce. They are pretty civil and there have only been a few "big" fights. Tension has halted, and they might even be called "friends" now, but I can't help but feel as if my world is turned on its head. I live on my own and have a boyfriend of 2 years who I consider my stability (as stable as a boyfriend can be considered), so my parents don't understand why it affects me so much. My mother says that it shouldn't bother me, not to worry about it, nothing will change, etc. So i try to act like I'm okay with it, but I am really heartbroken. I have been trying to work out my thoughts and feelings about this all, but I am still lost after months. It's difficult for young adults, who do no directly rely on their parents, but do not have a spouse or family of their own. It's an in-between stage where a person is trying to find themselves and establish an identity as an independent adult, but still require the sense of a stable foundation in order to be comfortable with going out into the "real world," even and maybe especially if there are no financial ties. Parents are an anchor that allow us to test the waters, and divorce leaves one feeling as if they are drifting, or worse, drowning.

I am an ACOD. Currently my parents are going through an ongoing separation which has lasted for more than 2 years. I am a strong person generally, in comparison to my mother(as she says), however the pressure of being the child in this situation has become irrelevant(to them) and overwhelming(to me). I agree with everything this article has stated in that it doesn't matter what age you are-you are still their child.

I found this article doing research for a counseling class and I just wanted to thank you all for your comments becasue you have made me see how much the breakdown of marriage has effected the outlook of love and relationships in this country. People with a 2parent home are considered lucky and that's sad. My sisters and I are survivors of divorced parents, but the battle wounds still run deep after 14yrs. Both of my parents used me as a confidant (I was 12 at the time and the oldest of 3girls) and my mom made my sister and I aware of all the dirty lil secrets that were the reason for their divorce. At time I wanted to know becuase of the way my dad left our family, but now I wish my mom had withheld all of that info. I used to be the biggest daddy's girl in the world, the sun rose and set with him in my eyes, but up until a year or so ago I couldn't let go of the anger I felt towards him. It still makes me mad about the way everything went down, but I try not to hold on to it. Now at the age of 26 I still battle the insecurity my dad's departure caused. My fiance also feels the effects as well. It's hard to know how to have a successful marriage when there are very few examples of such in real life. I have a friend who has been divorced 3times already and she's my age. I don't want to go through that, let alone put my kids through something like that. It makes me wonder what my parents where thinking when they got married. Did they really know each other well enouch for that kind of committment? Did they talk BEFORE they were married about what they expected of each other AFTER they were married? Considering they were married inside of 6mos after meeting I don't think they even knew each other when they got married and it makes me wonder how they got through 16yrs of marriage before it crumbled. I have been engaged for almost 4yrs now and I am very glad that me and my fiance have had multiple extensive conversations about what we expect of each other post nuptiuls and how we want to raise our future children. I stil have hopes of a successful marriage and the desire to make it work, I'm just scared it won't. One valuable thing my parents taught me is that love is not enough to make a marriage work, it takes a whole heck of a lot more than that. Thanks for reading this, Krystal J.

I am a child of divorce. My parents seperated and divorced when I was perhaps 2 or 3. For most of my life I haven't in my mind had an issue. Now I am in my mid 20's, looking at marriage and families etc. I however am now feeling the effects of the previous 20 odd years of my parental influence. I think from my experience, even if you are headed for divorce, unless it is for personal safety reasons, it should be avoided at all costs.

I am 25 years old, and I for the past 15 months I have been living abroad in Africa, so Ive been removed, although I have a older brother and a younger sister. In March my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary, and now I hear that they are separating. I would like to hear from people in a similar situation, because it doesnt make sense to me.

I am a 25 year old having a really tough time with my parents divorce. I'm the oldest of 3 my sister is 23 and my brother is 21 both have kids of there own. My parents have been together for 14 years and even though my moms husband is not my biological father I consider him very much to be my dad. My younger brother and I were still living in our parents home up untill the seperation because we are in school. The seperation took us all by surprise, I knew that there was some unhappiness in the marriage but i didn't know that it was that extreme. The seperation started out civily with my mom moving out of the house and my brother with her but it quickly went downhill from there with everybody taking sides (my sister on the side of my step dad even refusing to talk to or let my mom see her grand kids, and my brother being on my mom's) Things got really nasty yesterday when tempers rose and my stepdad ended up smashing lots of stuff in the house ( wedding pictures, furniture etc) and lots of horrible nasty things were said on both sides. I feel stuck in the middle trying to be the emotional support for my parents, my siblings, and even my niece and nephew who don't understand why Nana and Papa don't live together anymore, It really hurts more then I thought possible trying to be everybodys rock, wheres my rock? I don't even know what I am trying to accomplish by posting this here....maybe I just needed to vent about the situation?...I would like to hear any advice anybody has that has been in my situation? Thanks

I think this article is spot on! I was surprised to find this article considering everyone seems to think an adult has to accept parents divorce and get on with life simply because he/she is an adult! This seems to be everyones but my husbands answer to me dealing with my parents separating. I am 26 years old, and i'm an only child. I am very close to my parents and can not imagine my life without them. I got married just under a year ago, at wich point nothing indicated my parents were going to separate. When i thought everything was near to perfect and i was the happiest i could be, i decided on a career change to persue my dream, which was exactly when my dad told me my mum was no longer happy and wanted to separate from him. He was heart broken and so was i, even more so because i could see how much he was suffering. I decided to be strong and be there for them. I will pretend it doesn't affect me as much in front of them, but it's hard. Really hard! I feel lost and lonelly and it is affecting my relationship with my husband.

I'm at a loss as to what advice to offer a friend who is trying to do the right thing by his adult kids. His behaviour is in line with that of the article but by not revealing the truth about their mother, the fact that her behaviour is the opposite of his, means that the kids are making judgements based on partial information and he's now at risk of loosing them. I feel for the poor man, he loves his kids and his attempt to protect them from more pain is putting him through even more hurt.

My parents just told me they are separating. I'm 31. My twin sister died almost exactly 18 months ago and we've had a very rough few years. My parents swear that this is not just a result of her dying, but as a result of years of growing apart. I don't know what to think. I blubbed like a fool for hours after they told me, but they both seem to think that this shouldn't be a big deal for me now that I am in my 30s. Since my beautiful, beloved sister died I've had difficulty coping with change and I know this has impacted my relationship with my boyfriend. I try to avoid burdening him. Now this has happened and I just don't know what to do. My mother has been on the phone to me telling me what a terrible husband he is and for years she has been telling me what a bad father he is. I disagree on the fathering front. I adore my father and have always resented her saying these things. What to do???

I am a mother of two, ages 19 and 14. My marriage has been 12 years of alcholism to discoverying a 4 month affair. After going to AA he has been sober for 9 years to which he has become a bore who is caught up in work and working around the house. We have no life together. I have had to create my own social life of friends and activities. I have truly wanted out of this marriage for a very long time and have stayed because I can't imagine hurting my children. Since we have always been like ships in the night, they really dont see fighting or a stressful household. Though lately it has been becomming more obvious. I think the realization of my kids growing up and moving on has made me realize that it will then be just him and I and that thought scares me. I have been in mommy mode for so long it has been easy to live in denial. Now im just not needed as much as they get older so i am really looking at my life. I feel that leaving will devastate my children and push my 19 year to leave before he really would be. And of course financially hurt everyone. No one ever wants to hurt their children and i have stayed for a very long time because of that. I want to be happy also. How long can or should I live like this?

Today my mother revealed that she asked my father for a divorce. They have been married for 23 years. I knew that things were rocky (mother was very depressed, actually cut her own wrist and spent a week in the psych ward) and that my Dad was putting up with things for me (23 yr old). However, I am mortified and shocked. I live at home but I am totally financially independent. My father and I are very close, but my relationship with my mother has always been complicated. She has so many issues and she attends counseling, but she hates it and always wants to cancel her sessions. Neither of my parents have cheated, used drugs, stole something etc... They are both 60...not the best age to become single. My mother has been a real handful in the last year. Her relationship with her siblings was destroyed and she barely speaks to her parents (which have been seperated for thirty years) From depression to mother's attempted suicide to counseling and back, my world is crumbling. I am a new teacher and I can barely keep it together in the classroom. My father takes care of everything and my mother could never make it on her own. (no savings, no work, can't cut the grass either) What is she thinking? I understand that I can't change things, but why would my mother do this now? She is so hard on my Dad and I. She flips out and yells. Then spends days in bed and never once tries to think about the fact that she might be causing the problem. I just cried today and asked myself why things like this happen to people like me. I am responsible, don't party, have a great job, am getting my masters degree, own my own car, have been an exceptional student and child. Why me and why now? My parents fought when I was younger, why didn't they just realize then that it wouldn't work? Any advice?

I am a 28 year old daughter of parents who divorced when I was 18-19 throughout my freshman year of college. My younger brother was a junior in high school at the time. My father filed for divorce after over 20 years of marriage without even telling my mother. My mom found out via certified mail while my father and both us children continued to live at home. I moved out to go to college 3 weeks later. My father refused to move out. My 16-year old brother had to convince him to move out. My father thought he and my mother would live together and share the same attorney throughout the divorce proceedings! My freshman year I made straight A's. My friends told me I needed to see a counselor because I started joking about death. Evidently, I was depressed, but due to my personality type I highly succeed under extreme pressure, yet I felt like I wanted to kill myself at times. My father remarried without my brother or my knowledge within 3 months of the divorce being finalized. He has since divorced his second wife and she took everything financially that he had and bankrupt him because he did not sign a prenup. Since that time, my brother and I were forced to financially care for our father throughout his "recovery" process. My mom remained single for 10 years. She just married the love of her life this past February. He is a man my brother and I adore and has never been married, nor had children of his own. He is the ideal step-parent and we could not be happier. My husband's parents just finalized their divorce after 30 years of marriage. Their divorce took 2 years of negotiating due to the number of assets. It has caused my husband and his younger brother much undue stress and anxiety. My husband's parents divorce also had a strong impact on our new marriage because he struggled to communicate his feelings for a long time. We have since started marriage counseling and things are improving. It is our goal to overcome the challenges we have both faced as adult children of divorced parents. Believe me, it is not easy when you understand the reasons behind your parents divorce. Fidelity and committment mean completely different things to you when you are in your 20's than when you are a child.

I am a 28 year old daughter of parents who began their divorce when I was 18, a freshman in college. After over 20 years of marriage, my father filed for divorce without telling my mother. My mom found out via certified mail while my father and both my brother and I were still living at home. I move out to go to college 3 weeks later. My father refused to move out. My 16 year old brother had to convince my father to leave. My father thought he and my mom would live together and share the same attorney throughout the divorce proceeding! My freshman year, although I made straight A's I was severely depressed. I had started joking about death and my friends encouraged me to see a counselor. The college counselor was worthless, however I began therapy as a young adult in my 20's that was very effective and I continued that for over 5 years. My father remarried within 3 months after the divorce was finalized without telling my brother or I until after it was over. Merry Christmas to us. His second wife divorced him within 2 years and bankrupt him because he did not file a prenup. Since then, my brother and I had the responsibility of financially caring for our father in our early 20's while he financially "recovered." Although our relationship with our father is better, it will never be the same because of his deception to our entire family. I will never fully trust him or rely upon him.

I think it's very enlightening. I'm 26 and my parents went through a divorce about 4 months ago and I think I've cried more in the last 4 months then I have in my whole life. While my parents don't bad mouth each other in front of me it's still very hard. I feel that there is that expectation that I'm an adult and I should be able to handle it. But it makes it hard because I can't feel like I can talk to either one unless its about how good they are doing. So I don't call them anymore. But they don't call me because they think i need my space and time. Nonethess my birthday is approaching along with the holidays and needless to say I'm not looking forward to it. I just hope that it gets easier with time.

My parents seperated 12 months ago and to everyone else we should all be moving on form it. The truth is I haven't, I still have a relationship with both my parents but cant help but feel let down and disappointed by the fact that my father had an affair. I dont feel like I can ever have an honest and trusting relationship with him though I know people will say he did this to my mother I still feel like he did it to me too! It just seems like its never going to get easier- I would like to hear from others that might be going through a similair situation

I just got the news today, age 27 and living away from my parents. I'm not sure what to make out of it, other than I feel very angry and confused right now. I'm not getting much info from either parent. I guess it is all in the early stages. Mom is potentially seeing another man. Whether or not if it is intimate I am getting conflicting answers. Someone is lying. I don't know if it is my dad or mom who is lying or telling the truth. Right now I don't even want to talk to them anymore.
I shouldn't be shocked. The marriage was rocky from the start. I grew up with them arguing about something or another. Before I left, both parents would share with me whatever bothered them about the other. I tried to listen to them and try what I could to help, but didn't know what to do. I guess I should be glad the marriage lasted as long as it did and that they at least waited for both children to grow up. But still I am shocked and angry. What gives? Why do I feel this way? I just wish it would get resolved and that my parents won't break up, and that my mom can resist temptation and leave the new man and never see him again. Why do I wish this so much? Is there something wrong with me?

I'm 21, and my parents are going through a divorce right now. I have 4 younger siblings (the youngest being 3) and of course this willl affect them in a very different way. However, i can't really relate to this article at all. I grew up with an abusive (mostly mental, sometimes physical) father, and it's not until now that my mum has worked up the courage to leave him (as she ALWAYS used the "I'm still with him for th kids" excuse) after she caught him cheating again. Their divorce is a huge relief for me AND my siblings. Finaly, there won't be this dark cloud, also know as my father, hovering over our heads making everything a misery.
In my opinion, the effects of divorce vary hugely from family to family. For example, one of my friends had a terrible relationship with both her parents, and it wasn't until 3 years ago when her parents divorced that her relationship with them has finaly started to heal. Miserable parents= miserable children. There's no other way about it. And whilst i know that my relationship with my dad will never be that of a normal father/daughter relationship, I'm fine because i made my peace with that years ago

Hey I'm 20 and I'm here to share my story. My mom and my dad have similar personalities; they like complaining because they'd rather not take responsibility themselves. When I was 9 they separated, and about a year later they divorced. While the separation happened, I said I felt relieved that the divorce was happening, because I had felt tension when they were living together. I said that WHILE the divorce was happening. I denied that I could be feeling all the "normal" feelings of kids during divorce, and here's how THAT denial unfolded: I married at 18 and just this morning I woke up thinking about my husband, whose parents divorced around the same age period for him, too. My husband and I are three years apart in age, but both were in the fourth grade when our parents divorced. In that year, we both got in trouble almost daily. For my husband, he got in trouble for not answering questions in class because he had become so quiet. For me, I just plain wouldn't follow instructions, so missed recess. I remember making it a goal sometimes to miss recess because I just didn't care. This morning I thought about my parents divorce and my husband's, because before writing this I knew there was something up with both of us, but didn't know what it was. My husband and I both think our parents' lives are separate from our own, that we can't "control our parents' actions" and that we had nothing to do with the divorce. However, I, my husband, and my husband's older brother, who is 28, are still severely affected by our parents' divorces. My husband and his brother think they are inherently bad, and that if they weren't so "bad" their parents would not have split. My husband's brother's wife divorced him, and he automatically takes full blame, just as he did in his parent's divorce. I believed the same thing -that I'm a bad person. I've come to terms with it now, but I cannot begin to express to you the unbearable hurt that I have suffered, especially during high school, simply because I was not even aware of the fact that I had been so hurt by my parents' divorce. Everybody whose parents divorce have to choose some way to cope, they don't just "not cope." My parents didn't help, either. As I said, both parents like to complain. I've lived with both -they are just not good people, and they are in the past. They are jerks. Anyway, I thought I'd just throw it out there that people can be affected by their parents' divorce and may think that they haven't, and I believe that can be very damaging. The divorce hurt very, very, very much, and the personalities of my parents just poured salt on the hurt every day. Bad situation and not helpful people. Living like this, I had to use my brainpower to overcome every obstacle: social awkwardness, grades in school, and making friends. I had no idea I was ignoring that I believed I was terrible on the inside. In a way, I became an actress, because I believed I was above my parents' divorce, and if they wanted to screw up, I would have nothing to do with it, although internally, and unconsciously, I felt I had EVERYTHING to do with it. Parents are always taken personally, though, so I had to act happy, I had to re-program my brain to be who I thought I was, when in reality, I was destroyed on the inside, I just didn't have the sense to recognize it. How am I now? I'm glad I made it through high school. I'm glad I'm married to someone who got me out of either of those homes. On the inside, I'm still hurt. It's been twelve years and it still hurts like I was just yelled at by my mother, or insulted by my father (their personalities :( . The pain is so real, and I think if I had recognized it sooner, I wouldn't feel so knee-deep in it. I wonder how my husband feels :/ The pain is there, and I just want it to be gone so I don't have to keep acting every day of my life. I am the most kind, compassionate person you'll ever meet, but I'll never call you up to hang. I'll hold you when you're crying and comfort you, but then I'll be gone once the hurt is over. No hurt, no reason for me to be there. I know I'm a good person, and my actions prove it every day. My husband will heal, and I will be there for him all the way.

Reading everybody's stories has been very theraputic. I'm 25 and my parents are divorcing after 30 years of marriage - their first court date was earlier this month. Thankfully my brother and I are both on our own, but it's still difficult. My dad was apparently abusive (though I never knew it or suspected) and my mom left in the middle of the night about four weekends ago. I helped her leave. At the time I was very staunchly on her side, believing my dad should suffer for the 30 years of control and abuse he had put my mom through. But lately he's so changed - he's getting counseling, going to church...he's a completely different guy. So now I find myself wishing they would reconcile. But my mom is already seeing someone else (whether intimately involved I don't know and don't want to know) and while he really is an awesome guy, there's no way I'm going to tell my dad what's going on - it would break his heart. My mind is a mess of multiple conflicting thoughts...I'm glad my mom is free and happy, but I'm absolutely furious that my family is being ripped apart. I hate that my dad is hurting, but I also realize he pretty much deserves it for how he treated my mom for so long. I'm being used as the middle person - there's a restraining order against my dad so things they have to work together on (for instance, removing lines from a cell phone plan) has to go through me. It's ridiculous and I hate it. The only good about all of this is that it has brought me and my husband closer together. But then I see the statistics and think, "But for how long?" I hope and pray this whole thing gets wrapped up quickly and that God will be allowed to work and heal relationships without any of us getting in the way.

I am an adult child of two parents that divored after 25 years. It is still sinking in after a year and it is causing me to feel worse and worse. I am extremely angry at my father because he has just recently began dating some other woman after I told him he needs to get counseling or some kind of professional help to try to mend the relationship with my mother. I say this because I know how much at fault my father was in this although my mother was to blame too. My mother always wanted to go to counseling but he never did, and she tried to be nice to him but instead he turned away and it looks like he's not going back. I am looking to talk to a Christian counselor because it is eating me up inside that the bible says adulterers are among the list of people that will not enter the kingdom of heaven. This means my father's soul is lost forever? If you divorce your spouse and marry another for reasons other than infidelity or death, it is adultery according to God. This is really causing me a lot of agony for not only my father's sake but for society as a whole...divorce is just everywhere. I make no appologies for preaching here because by the looks of things people need to wake up...look at where ignoring God has got us as you read these sad stories right here on this forum. I really need counseling to try to gain some sort of comfort and to possibly gain another perspective as I see no solution to this. Also, my mom is reluctantly trying to date again and the man she is interested in has 3 kids (my father's girlfriend has kids too) which brings up another point: step brothers or sisters. I just cannot imagine all this blended family crap all because of my father. I am in my late 20's and I have a brother who is 18 and both of us are equally affected.

It is nice to hear other peoples experiences. I have always believed that parents have a huge impact on their children. I thought this even before my parents became separated, now I am sure that they do! I remember from a young age that my parents seemed unhappy with each other internally. I am 24 and this year my Dad admitted that he had been having an affair for 16years. My mum and dad had been living apart for 3years prior to this announcement, and I had enforced the separation at that time as I felt that things were not right between them and that they would feel better living seperately. It has been scary to see now that my feelings were correct and that he was actually having an affair for all those years. I have suffered from depression and low self-esteem for years and I do feel that my parents rocky and disconnected relationship has contributed to that. I have always been quite intuative I feel that even as a young child I sensed that my parents didn't suit each other. I am happy now that they are living apart and doing their own thing, but it still hurts, because the fact is your parents are role models for paving the way of your future relationships with people. I had bad relationships in the past, ending in tears and often with the guy cheating or being very interested in other women, do you believe you look for a partener that is like your opposite sex parent as they are the role model for your future partener? I gave up on relationships for a year and a half, but have now started a relationship with my best friend of 1 1/2years, I am sure he is the one and we are so like minded, however entering a new relationship has been a scary experience for me and I feel I am still carrying insecurities with me from my past and my dads affair. My partener had a dog with his ex girlfriend, who he broke up with to be with me. She still comes over to see the dog, and he is still in contact with her quite a bit because of the dog and arranging times to visit it. I find myself getting paranoid about another woman being so close and present within our relationship. I did have a dog of my own but that died this year from unforseen circumstances. My partener broke his shoulder 2months ago and just had an operation, the shoulder has become dislocated again after surgery. It been an emotional year and I have felt quite alone and very stressed. My partener finds my emotions hard to handle, as he has had a difficult childhood with an alcoholoic dad who abused his mum and who slept around. He also has ADHD. I am going through possible diagnosis of ADD. We have been argueing and getting very insecure and a bit distant, we love each other dearly, but both suffer from insecurities from our past and our medical conditions. I came on this site today to find some support, it is great that people are communicating their thoughts and emotions. I feel a great compassion towards anyone and everyone who is involved in marital affairs, as it is difficult. I feel the main issue for any relationship problems is that we are not taught the importance of love and respect. We are not educated on relationships, and so many people enter relationships or fall into love for distorted reasons, be it what is expected of them, feeling they could do no better, feeling entitle to return love someone else has for them, keeping up appearances, copying behaviour of someone else. It is difficult days, we have enough stress put on us by social commitments, work, bills ect, how is anyone ment to have a clear view on what love and happiness really is, or isn't. My blessings go out to all of you, wish you some clarity in your futures x

Has anyone noticed that relationships aren't getting easier!? Too many expectations. If you can at least understand the circumstances for why and how an affair happened it is eaier to deal with. Maybe your parents weren't compatible? maybe your parents parents had an divorce/affair/or they were not present in your parents life. I do believe in patterns, and I do belive that if you can work out a valible reason for an occurance of an affair it is easier to come to terms with it and to create your own existance away from these patterns. My Dad had an affair, his Mum walked out on their family when he was 3. He didn't have a mother growing up. My Mum and Dad got married young, and are now getting a divorce from a 35years marriage after him admitting to a 16 year affair. The affair started after his business failed and we had to move house due to finacial issues. My Dad is having councilling and admits that he never grieved properly over his mother leaving, his family was hard, no one spoke about what happened. He said that because of this experience he feared rejection. However he has not express this until now. He internalised his fears and went looking for another supportive woman figure at a time when he felt a failure (when the business collapsed) to support him. Because he could not face his family over his emotional struggles (maybe he couldn't understand emotions very well as our mothers give us an understanding of emotion as we grow up, women are more emotional/relationship based, and men are more active, work based) As a result he copyed his mothers behaviour and in a way rejected his own family, as he was rejected. Does this make sense to you? would be great to hear comments.

I have been separated for nearly 6 years and divorced for 2. My children were 16 and 18 when my husband left. I tried very hard to take the high road and not talk to them about their father and reassured them that it was nothing to do with them and that we both still loved them etc. I did slip up occasionally! However, my daughter in particular has never talked to me about her feelings and I worry that everything is still cooped up inside. Gradually over the last 6 years they have become very close to their dad, partly by his controlling ways. He spoils them hugely whereas when we were together we both believed in encouraging the kids to be responsible and stand on their own two feet. He gave them very generous allowances at Uni, bought them good cars, bought a second house for them to live in when they were home (so they wouldn't live with me?) and has now employed our daughter in his company. I've tried so hard not to let this bother me and thought we had it pretty well under control until last night. Recently my daughter has started talking to me in a way that makes me feel small - as if she's ashamed of me. I've tried joking it off and not letting it bother me but last night it came to a head when we were out for a meal and she disagreed with something I said. It developed into an argument as she seemed to be arguing just for the sake of putting me down. I burst into tears, my son told my daughter to go home and he would deal with me but then he defended my daughter which made me feel even worse. Although this has never happened on this scale there have been similar incidents (but not for ages) and I have always apologised to keep the peace. I'm not sure I should do this, this time as I feel my daughter might be almost encouraged to behave like this again. Could she be taking her frustrations or anger out on me? What hasn't helped is that my husband was having an affair with my 'best' friend and is now married to her. The children didn't know about the affair until after he'd left me and he's told them that it was just a coincidence that they got together and that our marriage split up for other reasons. Should I confront my daughter with my feelings? I'm so afraid of losing the children too but don't want to encourage this behaviour pattern. Help!

I would love nothing more than my parents to resolve their conflicts. 3 days after my own wedding one year ago my parents decided to separate. It was very confusing and shocking to hear from my parents that they no longer love eachother. Now a year later, I have been the shoulder to lean on. I really want to help my parents and have been trying to communicate for them. I don't know what to do or say other than, "I love you." I do not want to loose contact with my parents, they have been my support and strength through high school, college, and graduate school. What more should I tell them? How can I help them be happy again? I understand not every couple stays married forever, but it just hurts so bad to see my parents end their marriage after I just began mine.

I've posted a few times already and still find myself coming back! My parents are seperated just over a year now. Dad is living with his girlfriend and her kids and mum is living in the family home that is now in the process of being sold. I know neither are happy but I also know that this will not undo the past. I think about the 'what if' and 'why' ever day and am still finding no solutions.I don't understand how you can love someone so much to spend nearly 35 years married and then throw it all away. This has left me so unsure of my own relationship and I find myself looking for problems that aren't there. Do parents realise the lasting effect it has on adult children when all they have ever known is ripped from under their feet. The younger child seems to have more scope for support and advice and is rarely in the process of learning many other life lessons! My ideal for the my future is gone. I don't want to live my life basing it on this situation but the sad fact is I no longer have a secure and united base instead I have a relationship with my brokenhearted mother and a father I don't even recognise. So I guess the saying...
'better to have loved and lost that not loved at all'
never stopped to think about saying that the loss could be in your heart, mind and life every minute of every day

I spent 28 years working hard, loving and raising my kids, BEING FAITHFUL, and trying to love a tyrant, I've been making the best of a bad situation for a long time. Now my kids are on their own, it's just me and her day after day, and I'm faced with a tough choice. Should I leave so I can finally have some friends, have fun, pursue my dreams, and be myself? Or should I spend the rest of my life trying (and failing) to please someone who is never satisfied? Do I have a right to upset my kids' vision of the future in order to pursue my own happiness? You AKODs have a lot to say about how your divorcing parents are ruining your lives. But tell me -- should respect for your needs (preferences?) cause a parent to willingly spend the rest of his life in self-denial in a miserable marriage? I wish it was good for me, but it isn't. I wish counseling could help, but she hates it. She wants things just as they are, and she'll do everything she can to stay "in charge" of our lives. I'd love to hear your thoughts, kids.

is there a good book for someone whose paents divoriced when he was young, but he is noticing he has learned relationship issues in his mid 20s?

I agree, the family is broken when parents are divorced at any age. It is also a shame that many parents use us as mediaters, messengers are targest of the anger against their spouse.
It is amazing to me that the thousands of agencies anc counselors avialable and books written that it parents are not given books aon how to raise children, raise a family and stay married when they reach the alter and get out of the hospital with their child. Even worse all the changes and emphasis on standarized testing, no emphasis is put on developing mature adults, responsible adults, families and raising families. The saga continues and goes on and on and on. I am truely bored of the whole situation. People not taking responsible for their own actions and abusing others for the trauma they experienced in their life that had nothing to do with me. I just want to say to them be a man or be a woman and either work it out, or move on, get over it and stop using and taking your anger out on innocent people. Moreover whre is everybody in these situations. the parents, the grandparents, the uncles, cousins, coworkders, shool teachers, counselors, brother sisters, friends. Is everybody so self absorbed that the only people they care what happens to is themselves. People don't do things if they think they can't get away with it. Divorce is one of them and any other crime for that matter that brakes up families. If you don't have children fine, move on, if you married for the worng reason or didn't see the real person in an abusive situation. Oddly enough those are the ones that seem to stay married with children that should get a divorce.

So I took a look at this article in hopes that maybe I could relate fully to this. I guess it just depends on the situation.
I'm 24 yrs old, live with my boyfriend of 3 yrs, and we are literally a 2 minute drive from my parents and grandparents (dads parents) house. It SUCKS being so very close to the situation that is going on.
Everything stems back to when I was 14 years old and just starting high school. My parents fought alot. I always stayed up in my room secretly wishing they would divorce and I would just leave with my mother. She was in a verbally abusive relationship with my father. He was verbally abusive to me as well. It got so out of hand that my senior year I had to move into a coworkers place because he actually came after me to hit me in my own room. It was over something extremely ridiculous. The one thing I remember the most is he left an envelope at school for me the one day and I got called down to receive it and I was not to read anything inside til I had got back to where I was living. The entire day I dreaded what was in this envelope. I was right to dread it because it was a letter blaming me for his failing marriage.
At first when I moved back home, he was kicked out and things were great but he was close by and by Christmas time he was allowed back in the house. Things went back to the way they were months later.
As the years went on I had to comfort my mother and stick up for her and get the brunt of some of the arguments. I decided college would be my only escape and maybe my own father would be proud of this accomplishment to try and get on with life. He was not satisfied with my career choices and because of this I had no idea what direction in life to take. I dropped out after my 2nd semester.
That's just a little taste of the past. There was alot more that had occured back then but I wanted you all to get an idea of what I was up against.
3 months ago my mom finally moved out and is in an apartment all to herself still within the area because of my two younger brothers 13 and 10 and yes I do realize that this is a pretty bad situation. My dad has custody of them during the week and my mom only has 24 hours with them on the weekend. So things are definitely not fair especially knowing that my dad is not there for them anyway and my grandparents (his parents) are basically raising them. I also have a 26 yr old brother who is in the same boat as me right now.
My dad has gone insane... off his rocker... I really think there is something chemically wrong with his brain and he denies that nothing is wrong with him at all. It has got to the point now where I have not talked to him since Labor Day and he has offended me so much that I don't want him at my wedding and I truly feel like he is "dead" to me.
If I wrote all of the knitty gritty details that has happened you all might be here forever reading it over and over again because of how shocked you would be. It's hard... really hard. But there is no way in hell that he will ever hurt my mom again as long as I am around. She always had my back and I will always have her back no matter what. We both are the victims of domestic violence because of him.
Next week I go to my first therapy appointment to work through this divorce and father daughter relationship. I decided it might be a good idea to go because at this point I have mourned the "death" of my father and have moved on thinking that I do not have one anymore.
To all those who are suffering because of a divorce I just want to give you all hugs of support. It definitely isn't easy going through this alone. I always thought that there was hardly anyone going through this and that I was just overreacting but I know now that I am not. We are dealing with this the best that we know how and yes it makes it alot harder since we are older and know better to some degree.

Dear Guest who posted on October 20th:

You shared the situation your in with your wife, and asked for our thoughts....

I am 25 and my parents separated a little over a year ago and their divorce is almost final - it's been horrible. My parents divorce is nasty, and my father has become someone I don't recognize - my family was everything to me, I was so close to them, and all of a sudden it shattered. I look to the future and feel heartbroken knowing that things like my wedding and the birth of my children, etc will be difficult when they should be pure joy.

So given that, this is how I feel about your dilemma: you decided to marry your wife and to have children with her, and because of these decisions YOU made, I believe you have a responsibility to your children - the parent contract doesn't become null and void once your children become "adults" because they will ALWAYS be your child. They didn't ask to be born, but you decided to have them....so I don't think you should be able to upset your kids' vision of the future in order to pursue your own happiness...to me that sounds so selfish.

On the other hand... maybe your situation wouldn't be nasty like my parents...maybe you and your wife could separate amicably, although it would be hard on your children no matter what, it might not be quite as devastating. Also, I think you should demand that your wife go to counseling before you actually leave...

My parents had always been very affectionate and loving, and I felt very happy knowing that they still had a strong relatrionship after 20+ years. For the past year, though, I have noticed what looked like the both of them pulling away from eachother.
Prior to this time I had never heard either parent complain about something the other had done in front of me. Lately my mother would spill her frustrations to me.
I tried to encourage affection between my parents.
Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. On the way to dinner my parents got into a fight over something so stupid.
My mother was quiet and sombre during the whole meal. She also disappeared for a good ten minutes. I had learned later that she was planning on taking a taxi home, until she realized she didn't have her house keys with her.
The ride home after dinner was deathly quiet and tense.
Upon arrival home my mother said she was going to move her car off the street onto the driveway, but she drove off somewhere and didn't return until well after midnight.
I pleaded for her to come home. She vented to me about my father. The only thing I could think to do was to tell him. I figured that if he knew what her frustrations were, he could change and fix them. He didn't seem to take any of it seriously.
I can tell he's really hurt by this, but it's not in his personality to show it. He thinks it shows weakness.
He apologized to me about everything (considering this was my birthday) and assured me it wasn't my fault.
My mother left for work this morning and called me to tell me she found an apartment close to work and that she will be looking at it tomorrow. I asked her, "what do you expect to say to this?". I mean, this is devestating to me.
She said that she just wanted to let me know what will happen. She said that I would live with my father until he sells the house then I would probably move out on my own.
I, for one, can't afford to move out.
I am a student. I pay for everything (tuition, books, transportation, personal expenses) all by myself while working a crap job. Moving out means I wouldn't be able to afford to go to school.
Another blow. Aside from that, I don't want to move out and I don't want my family falling apart.
Without my family together, I have no sense of security. I feel alone.
I haven't talked to anyone about this, because then it will make it seem real.
I have an older sister, but she is currently living in the UK with her boyfriend. I will literally be alone here.
I couldn't go in to work or to school today. I feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest; it's pounding so hard. And sometimes I feel like my chest is closing up.
I feel like my world is ending.
My parents have been married for almost 26 years, and together for almost 30. Is that not worth trying to fix?

I'm thinking they're both going through a mid-life crisis or something...I hope it passes quickly.

I feel so lost.

My parents divorced when I was 28. It devestated me. I questioned all relationships in my life wanting proof that they were sincere, honest relationships that wouldn't let me down like my parents did. Because of my husbands frequent work absences and his decision to not stay with me after I had fractured my arm falling down some steps, I felt that he did not love me and he would eventually leave me. So, we divorced leaving my
daughter with a fractured family. I then sunk into a depression that I felt unable to escape. married a man with multiple health and emtionally problems and had a child with him. We divorced, then he died. I am now raising my son alone suffering with neurological disabilities that resulted from the abuse I suffered. I am disabled. This all began with the divorce of my parents and the devestation I felt after it.

hi Kim
Are you still on this forum. Although my parents arent divorced I have been dealing with their "near divorces" since I was at least 10. I am nearly 35 now! Dealing with their constant fighting, and having to become each of their confidantes has been one of the worst things in my life. I so often wish they had gotten a divorce. About 10 years ago, I took them to a clinic which employs a counselor and a divorce lawyer, basically to give them the message- divorce or deal with your problems. But after a few counselling sessions, they quit going.

For the last few years, my dad has threatened to leave, and has gotten an apartment a few times, but has always come back. Each time he leaves the house for a few hours now after they fight, my mom thinks he is leaving, and calls me to ask if I know where he is. It's SO awful and disruptive as I have two small children of my own, and tonight she even talked to my husband for an hour when she couldnt catch me at home.

I hope we can get this forum off the ground as I have been looking for a board on this topic. Its something noone talks about.

Help, what is wrong with me? I can't get my ex out of my mind, I miss him soo much! every night I cry for his arms around me again so I can sleep. I'm with another man now, and I'm now seeing that he is nothing like my ex it hurts so bad.. there are no hugs at night to go to sleep with, in fact, there is no contact what so ever! he does everything for me to try to make me happy, he even does all the housework 'which I don't like by the way' and cooking ect, just to treat me like the queen and keep me happy.. it's not working.. he's trying to hard, and I miss being the housewife, the cook, and the mother... he don't work.. I miss my life the way it was before soo much.
I'm one of them women that is talked about below that trashed my ex's to my adult kids. I was jelous, cause I knew that my girls liked their father more then me, I hate it when they go to their fathers for a visit and leave me out of it, they learned to not tell me about it anymore, I'd call them on their cell phones just to talk, but I dont' know why cause everytime they are at their fathers they ignore my calls... act like they don't know me. If we happen to be walking in a store together, and he comes along they will not talk to him, or vise versa if they are with him and I happen along they walk right past me as if they don't know me.. that is only making this situation for me way worse, and makes it hurt way more this way.
I blame them cause I think that they should speak up for me, maybe tell their father 'who will not talk to me at all' that I still miss him. do SOMETHING to help me, but no, it's as if they don't care, as if they like his new wife more then me. Speaking of his new wife.. omg, it hurts soo bad!.. to think that we spent 17 years of marriage together and now it's been 13 years they were married and we were divorced.
I heard a sexual act between him and our then 14 year old daughter, is the reason I wanted to seperate for a bit to solve things out, but no, he went for divorce. Neither he or her has ever admitted to having sex... but I'm pretty sure I heard what I heard... I went through with the divorce to 'save' my daughters..The fact remains I'm saving no one when they dont' admit it, so i was happy that I went through with it at the time " I was lieing to myself quite well"
Now with this new man, we been together for 6 years, and I moved in with him.. in back to the home town of my ex.. yup and they used to know each other years ago, but don't talk to each other now... he knows the truth I told him. Being in my ex's home town, seeing him now and then, and now working through forgiving him for what I believe happend.. I'm missing him more and more each day. My girls have no idea how bad it is for me.
I was a child of divorced parents, I know it hurts pretty bad..but trust me it's NOTHING compared to what I'm going through now.

This is going to be the first Thanksgiving after my Dad announced this August that he was leaving my mother after 33 years of marriage. I now have to split the holiday with them, pretending to put on a happy face for my mother and trying not to be really angry at my father. Does anyone who has been through this have any advice for coping with this holiday that is supposed to be about family?

All these comments and situations sound so familiar and I have compassion and understanding for each one of you. I had a good upbrininging and childhood and have fond memories. My parents separated 12+ years ago and then divorved about 10 years ago. My Husband understood my pain as we've been together for many years. 12 years later my Sister & I are still carrying the burden of my Parent's choices and decisions. My Dad is an only child and therefore doesn't have much family apart from Cousins. My Mom feels guilty for the impact her choice has had on us and is sometimes overbearing. My Dad although a good person is very manipulative and underhanded. He does not respect my Husband or my Brother in Law and makes derogatory remarks or ugly looks in their company. Both my Sister and I are blessed with awesome Husbands. I sat down and chatted to my Mom and Dad (separately) last year. Things were ok for a while but it's back to that again if not worse now. I haven't mentioned that due to my Dad being on his own, every Christmas we are all together. It is a very tense time as we're never sure what comment my Dad will make, what look he will give, whether he and my Mom will greet each other and whether he will insist on asking my Mom to dish for him like he does every year. I actually despise Xmas because of this. I am a Christian and I try every day to live a better life. Part of this is honouring my Mom and Dad. For too long now I've been trying to please them all and not considering my Husband. This year I actually decided that we (my Husband, daughter and myself) should have Xmas alone as I cannot face another Xmas like this. My Brother in Law doesn't want my Dad at his home for Xmas because of the rude comments and looks he passes at him. All said, I do not wish to hurt either my Mom or Dad and definitely don't want them to be alone for Xmas. Please give me some advice.

Thank you very much everyone who shared your story, especially the people who are young adults going through their parents divorce. I am a 20 year old pre-med student who is in good standing at school, but because of my unstable family life I did horribly in high school. My parents split after 20 years of unhappiness that escalated when my father lost everything in his life--house, job, and later on the death of his father caused him even more despair. My mother always berates him for his violent nature, unfaithfulness at the near end of their marriage, and blame for all the debt that he has left behind for us.
Until I came to this website, I could not imagine anyone else going through the same problems as I am going through. The pain, the depression, and the lack of spirit. But reading over many responses I realized that it hurts a lot and our parents and even the people around us at times may not be able to be of any help. But only recently (the past few days) I have reflected upon my life and my inability to feel "alive." I used to be so passionate about medicine and for ten years I have been able to keep my dream and I need to see myself live through it all and succeed. For those of you who are children of divorced parents, I hope that you know I am going through the same thing. As hard and almost impossible as it may sound, we can't give up on our education. Because if there is anything life has ever taught me well it is that education is one thing that we can control and it has the possibility to liberate us from many other short comings life may have. Realizing this I will try to live my life as best as I can and believe that life will get better--I really think that it can so as long as we want it to. We can't control other people; what they say, what they do, what they think about us--but we can control our future. And our parents will always be our parents no matter what, but it would wonderful to learn how to create 'extended' families with friends, colleagues, etc to help with the loneliness. But I think that there are only a handful of friends who would be willing to sit and even listen to a person who is truly sad. I can only name one friend or two who has truly listened to me speak without later turning their back on me. So sometimes, it hurts but we might find ourselves alone in particular moments but please know that that loneliness will subside as long as you move on and try your best to think positive and live with kindness for yourself and others around you.
Failure, hardship and challenge are all things every human experiences in one form or another. Don't let it knock you down permanently because that is not the way you will become righteous. Live in that moment and think you who you want to be 5, 10 years later and I promise you your life will be golden. Good luck! Let's begin a new day of optimism, now.

Great pain is caused to everyone by divorce (emotionally, family structure, and financially). After 24 years of marriage, then my adulteress's wife's filing for divorce at the same time as our only child (adult) son's pending marriage has caused tremendous life stresses, especially when our son who had worked for me in my business for 8 years. Being together all the time and now having gone our three separate ways, the burdens this new life situation must be for our adult child as his unemployment has now ended) and did not marry and just broke up with his his recent girlfriend. To hear and feel his hurt is equally painful on the both of us. Having no siblings to turn to, he is caught between worlds of who he can talk to (mom or dad) with each of us having our own boundaries and having to filter his thoughts and expressions like a clearing house not to offend either of us. Talk about what's all wrong with divorce , this is it in a nutshell.... The unity and safe zone of what a family is all about, to be there unity in times of joy, sorrow and crises. Where does he turn to for his emotional safety and backup support confirmation (double huggies between us three).

I am still grieving my divorce, my wife's is still caught up in her adultres 14 year relationship of support more that love, and our son is now all alone trying his best to deal with it all (find work, deal with his bankrupcty, grieving his recent lost relationship). As far as I can tell, nothing good has come from our divorce. Our son won't associate with my wife's boyfriend at any level as he interferred with our marriage and family for years. And although I cautiously speak to my wife, so she dosen't harm her relatioship with her boyfriend, it just isn't the same trying to support or help and advise our son as a separated couple. The strenght came from our family unity and the support it represented and provided and with that gone, there's only an deep emptyness left to deal with.

For the most part, my wife and I try our best to raise above it and be as supportive as we can to our son, but the pain is so great and really, it tears me appart emotionally as to how alone we all are without the love and support of a united and loving family to fall back on. Both my wife and I love our son greatly, as he does us both. The problem now is we are fragmented family. Our son is in a world of hurt alone, I sit alone at home trying to move forward in my life as a single person, which I wish on no one, and my wife is in a relationship I believeve of supportive convenience more than love. Another great Amercian family is now gone. And why... because a lot of us take so much for granted in this have to have it now, then throw it all away society where committment doesn't have any true meaning.

Raise above it, Raise above it, as best as you can, because that's all you can you to preserve yourself, and that of your adult children. Talk to them, and expalin the true meaning of life, love, family, and what commitment means - for better or worse to death do us part. It's all we have and with that God's love will bless and protect us. Have faith and believe in miracles because they happen every day.

To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Samantha Friedman, an alumna of the University of California at Berkeley and Fordham University, and I am currently a doctoral clinical psychology student at Saybrook University (San Francisco). I am seeking adults between the ages of 20 and 35 who have experienced parental divorce in either childhood or adulthood to assist me in the completion of a study that examines the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and intimacy.

If you agree to participate in this study, please click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT) and complete the survey on SurveyMonkey.com. The online survey I am conducting is very easy to complete. The whole process is designed to take less than 15 minutes to complete. Participation in this study is completely voluntary and anonymous. You are free to not answer any question, to stop participating at any time for any reason, and to not have your information be part of the data set. All forms will be kept confidential; that is, no one will have knowledge of which questionnaire belongs to you.

The aim of my study is to learn about the psychological impact of parental divorce, particularly how the age at which parental divorce occurs influences attitudes towards marriage and intimacy. It is of particular importance to examine the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and levels of intimacy because they are indicators of relationship stability. The ultimate goal of this study is to acquire data that can be used to assist adult children of divorce in understanding the impact of mid- to late-life parental divorce and develop strategies that encourage healthy, lasting marriages.

Please contact me if you would like a summary of my findings when the project is finished. If you have any questions, please contact me at SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com.

Thank you in advance for your time and assistance. I really appreciate your help and I am sincerely grateful.

Best wishes,

Samantha Friedman

My parents split up when I was nine and I've still not gotten over it I'm 10 now. Hardly any of my friends know. My best friends who know aren't very good when it comes to this stuff because they've got a proper family and I'm to shy to talk to any adults about it. My parents are only seperated so I stay with my dad one night and my mum the next two nights because my mums house is my main house. My mum and dad are almost like a couple but they argue sometimes. I am almost 11 and my sister is 8.

Hi, I'm a twice divorced, mother of 3 children...two of whom live with me and my partner of 7 years; we moved into the same home 6 mos ago when my youngest prepared to go off to college. My partner has no biological children and although he sincerely loves mine, he is not their father and does nor assume any parental role. Recently a heated arguement ensued at our home over a toilet overflow caused by my son, but this issue escalated to screaming in the house and my partner charging at my 18 year old son because he was laughing at my partner who had extreme concern over water damage. In the meantime they are no speaking and I'm feeling torn over what action I should be taking to assist in the remedy. My partner cussed and threatened to "throw them the F out of the house" over the disrespect they were showing me, him and the property during this stupid event. I later learned my partner had highly elevated levels of frustration over my adult kids irresponsibility with cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen, not making any efforts to assist with chores...plus our lack of "couple time" since we all moved in together. None of these listed things deserved the level of anger he generated at the family however...still, he is unwilling to apologize because he wants to see a change. What am I to do? My children are 25 and almost 19, both college students, minimally employed and unemployed respectively.

This article is dead on!! I am 27 yrs old and my parents just got divorced and it has been very hard b/c it not only affects my life but it also affects my children and the images of taking them to "Nana & Papa's" house. Now it's either/or one of their houses and each holiday is a days long event. So I can't say for sure, but I think it's harder as a ACOD b/c I had lived longer as "one of the lucky ones" and now that's all gone and it also affects 2 generations.

I think this is so true. My mum has just left my dad, but this event has been a long time coming. I known that this was going to happen for abput 6-8 months and this whole time my mum has been confining in me and bad-mouthing my dad to me. All the while I think she expected me to be supportive of her and be her friend. However, this whole time I feel like I have betrayed my dad and doing very poorly in university as their separation is the only thing I can think about. In addition to this, I feel like I was the only one thinking about all of the little and bad things that would come along with the separation, like how my younger brothers would deal and be affected by it (they are 18 and I'm 20). I have been to councilling for a while, but I can't get over this invisible social pressure that because I am an adult, I should not be so affected by this and not let it affect me. By letting it affect me this pressure makes me think I'm over-reacting or being childish, and this is a horrible feeling. I feel so numb yet sad right now, but I feel that I cannot tell my friends that much because they will not understand or they will think I'm over-reacting. Right now I have no idea how to move on because I feel that this social pressure determines that I should have never been really affected by it. This makes me feel that there is no support for me. All I feel like I can do now is move on slowly by myself, continue being forced into the middle by my mum and occasionly my dad, all the while failing my uni work and getting little to no support from anywhere. Needless to say for the foreseeable future, things are really going to be sad and difficult inmy life right now.

This is a great website to find and read some stories about other peoples situations

My father has left my mother after 26 wonderful years of marriage, and I am now 21. My whole life i hardly ever saw my parents fight and seemed to have a magical relationship. They always used to go on holidays overseas, have fun cocktail evenings and we were a happy family. About 2 weeks before christmas my dads co-worker alerted my mother to an affair my father was doing. He was sneaking around behind my mothers back and buying his secretary flowers and going for lunchtime romantic walks with her. I thought my fathers love was only for my mother but apparently not. Christmas was really hard with both mum and dad there, so many awkward emotions and not knowing what to do. Its almost as soon as this other woman came into his life he flicked a switch and has nothing to do with me, my sister, or my mother anymore. My 21st birthday was in January and he was nowhere to be seen and hasnt bothered contacting me since. I feel like he doesnt care about his old life (with me and my sister and mother) any more because he hasnt bothered to contact any of us and is away having fun with his new life.
It sucks knowing nothing will be the same, everyone in our family is going off the rails and my once great relationship with my father has come to just no contact at all between the two of us.
he hasnt bothered to contact me at all and i believe that is the number one thing a parent should do. contact your kids if they dont live at home. Stay an active part of their life. As of now, my father is dead to me

I definitely think young adults feel the impact of a divorce, having become an AKOD myself at 21. My sister and I were instantly and directly involved in a fairly acrimonious separation and found ourselves trying to mediate. I came home from uni to find myself living with a very depressed father for a year at the same time trying to come to terms with my mother's new partner- she was fairly insensitive about imposing this person and his family on us , simply because as adults of course we were meant to be able to accept and deal with it. For several years any family gathering such as Christmas was awful because whatever we chose to do upset somebody and we didn't really care for our parents' choices of partner either. I don't think my parents were unusual in how they handled their divorce; I think because they were older themselves they were in a hurry to put years of problems behind them and make a fresh start. Everything was OK in the end but my relationships with both my parents was damaged.

i know how it feels, my parents split when i was 18 and i had everything shot at me because i stayed with my dad. My mum has never been the same with me since and is always looking for "dirt" on my dad. Ive had the whole "your just like your father" to more extreme cases from her like "i have no daughter" and "your no daughter of mine".
its more difficult when your older, you understand whats happening better and i think when people say "your an adult get over it" it is very insensitive.
No on understands what it feels like till they are put through it themselves.
I am now 20, coming up 21 and not looking forward to my 21st, my graduation from uni was bad enough in november with the atmosphere so it should be fun really. i know i can trust my dad not to kick off, but my mum is so emotionally unstable she is going to i know it, it feels to me all i ever get from her now is a phone call to ask what my dads been up to, or why i would put something on facebook she doesn't agree with. It's jealousy in my eyes as i am happy with my life and getting on with it, but the pain from everything thing will always be there with me no matter what, and that is what makes it difficult for adults in these situations.

I'm not sure if I officially qualify as an ACOD since I was 17 years old when my parents broke up, but I've always been mature for my age and I have many of the symptoms described in the article above.
When they first told me, I burst into tears - my mother gaped at me in horror, like she couldn't believe a grown-up would cry over parents divorcing. It's been four months now since the split and I still have a little cry about it once or twice a week, despite it being very amicable and my parents remaining friends. I don't think parents appreciate the effect divorce can have on grown-up children, as well as the younger ones.

I'm so thankful to find this website because I thought i was being silly to be a 21 year old and feel heart broken that my parents split. After a year, i still cry, very emotional still. My dad was having an affair and i never saw it coming (we all knew this woman pretty well)
used to very close to my dad and now i'm heart broken, angry full of bitterness he was horrible to my mum when it happened, what he said to her and i find it so difficult because I am so angry at him but then i miss him but because of the nature of what happened i don't know whether i should see him or not,

I would like anyones opion so please respond:I am an 18yr only child and my parents are in the process of initiating a divorce after 20+ yrs. This year haas been a busy one for me, starting my first year of college. So i was extremely upset to learn that they were talking about this For the past 18yrs of my life we have been the "3 Musketeers" doing everything together. Now the "love" is gone and you can feel the air hot with tension. As much as I would love to believe it is not about me, I cant help myself. I don't know what to think anymore. My whole life has been a lie. I feel dejected and useless and hurt. But because im 18 everyones just assumes im ok. And of course I cant talk about it to them. All this time I thought they were in love, and yet they seem to have been waiting for mr to "grow up" before they made their move. I don't know where to turn to and it is affecting me so much more than I thought it would. I remember being a kid and having seen my fiends parents going through this, and i thought: " im so lucky" But it was all a lie. I cant hate them but I cant imagine a life without them there. To add the cherry to my sundae, because of their divorce, the house that I 've spent my youth in is in foreclosure and I cant do anything about it. :( Im stuck in another state at school while all this is happening. Its like some sick twisted joke: my mom wlaking around buying lingerie that is for god knows who, my dad moving in seperate cicles, my mom on the phone at two in the morning and sleeping in the guest bedroom. Its just dysfunctional!! theyve agreed to part amicably but this situation is more than I can bear.... Ive never been in love before...And to see the only example of what I thought was love die, I don't know who I am anymore...I don't know where to go from here...my entire existence and belief has been corrupted. Help please! Tell me theres a light at the end of this tunnell..thanks

My parents are not divorced, though I have said they should have divorced at age 9 (I am 26 now). My father has been going to see other family relations (in another country) at a faster pace, to the point it was 1 month there 2 weeks here. The last time he went to his country, he told me on the way home from the airport he was leaving. By Feb 28th he was gone (and never said goodbye because he left before I came home and broke a promise). By March 5th, he called me to talk (of two times in he last 5 days) and said he was leaving to his country. When I asked for how long he said "1 month, 1 1/2 month, 2 months I don't know". No contact until last night 5/15/11. He said he has been in the US for 4 days and just now was able to get a phone to call. He said he cannot make a life in the US and is leaving for his country, most likely for good, 5/18/11. He left a message on my cell phone because I did not have it on me. I cried AGAIN but it doesn't change the fact I am pretty sure I don't want to talk to him. But it is my last chance. My mother doesn't care he left... it is just me. I may be 26 but I feel like a baby.

I found out yesterday my parents have split up after 25yrs together (they were never married & he is my stepdad, but the only dad i have ever known)..my mum called me to tell me he has been having an affair with a girl, who is my age, for the past 2 months. she is understandably angry & upset, but she was telling me very personal things & wanted me to call him and tell him to stay away from her...i dont think it was fair of her to do & ask this of my (i'm 25 by the way)..i'm so confused, anger hasnt' set in yet, i'm just sad...sad things will change and I cant get my head around them not being together, he didnt admit to the affair but all signs point to he is. I want him to admit he had an affiar then i'll accept its over, but for now I dont know how to deal with it..my son who is 4 adores my dad, he'll be so upset when he goes to my mum's and 'pa' isnt there...its also not the 1st time, he was unfaithful to my mum 12yrs ago, but they got past that, they loved each other so much. i was soo so angry at him about it for so long, and i have a feeling i'll feel the same once it sinks it...so confused... :(

Hello,

I need help with dealing with this situation, but also (almost more so) need to just tell someone about it. My wife (26 years old) found out last night that her father is leaving her mother (both in early 60s) after 40 years of being married. It all happened very fast and unexpectedly; her father had been in a relationship with someone before he married her mother and had remained in periodic contact with that woman. Sometime recently, the woman's husband died and she became ill, so my father in-law (FIL) decided he needed to be with her. He told my mother in-law (MIL) he didn't really love her, and he's lived his life thinking of how it could be with this other woman. My MIL and my wife are devastated. Knowing my FIL, he has thought very hard about this and he really believes he is doing the right thing, and being a firm believer in "we only have one chance at life and we have to make sure we do what feels right", I don't blame him, but it is still very sudden and traumatic. He took responsibility and called the kids. My MIL has a strong social network with her siblings who live locally, but almost all of her activities were with her husband and she can't do them alone. Also, she was very dependent on him for taking care of/figuring out everything and her entire retirement was based on his earnings. He says he doesn't care about the money, and I believe him, but that doesn't really change the situation. My MIL does not seem angry or bitter, but is clearly very surprised, hurt, and lonely.

My wife and I live in Alaska, a very long way from MD where her parents live. My wife is devastated and can't stop thinking about how lonely and hurt her mom must be. My wife has cried non-stop since she found out and had to leave work today because she couldn't stop crying. My wife really wants to fly back east to be with her mother, but is also heavily committed to a work function for the next two weeks. My wife already wanted to move back closer to her parents so that if anything ever happened to her father she would be there for her mother, but now we are faced with a similar situation years earlier. I am a PhD student and if I leave now I will not get my degree and will have worked for 3 years for nothing. My wife also has a very good job and if she leaves now will not get her retirement benefits etc.

So my question is, how do I comfort my wife? I love her very much and am happy to be with her, hold and comfort her, but I also think we need to move past the uncontrollable crying and I don't know how to get there. I also think it is not good for her mother that everytime my wife calls her my wife is crying. I have told my wife, we can go visit her mother for however long she wants (this is hard for me with my work, but this is more important) to help her adjust, she can come up to visit us, we can travel with her in the winter (my MIL dreamed of traveling with her husband, but professional commitments prevented it. It was their retirement plan), and when we are ready to move we will go closer or go someplace my MIL would be willing to be also, but my wife is still overcome by her pity for her mother.

I come from a "broken" family (multiple divorces), but I think my wife has always gotten security from the stability of her family and might even look down upon "broken" families. She has led a relatively sheltered, "privileged" life and is not very resilient, whereas I am just the opposite (possibly even emotionally callused) so it is difficult for me to know what to do.

As I said originally, advice is welcome, but really needed to just tell something whats going on.

Honestly, most of the commentary I read out on this page, including the article itself, seems the product of the ‘Me Generation’ in the case of younger people. In the case of older people, some seem similarly ‘Me-ish’ or just plain self-righteous with meaningless little aphorisms like ‘Commit to the commitment’. The comments seem like the same types of one that come from people who are stringently opposed to abortion under any circumstances – legalistic and superficially thoughtful, while actually being quite insensitive and feeling that they ‘know best’ what is right for others.

I am male, in my late 40s, and have been married over 20 years. My adult daughter has finished college and is on her own while my son attends college. I have been considering divorce for probably the last 10 to 15 years, but have stayed with the commitment basically because I wanted my kids to grow up in a stable household. There is no intimacy in the marriage and I do not feel the effort to restore it is worth it. I have vastly different values from my wife – she attends multiple Bible Studies while I am an atheist and proud of it. I enjoy several activities which she has shown no interest in over the years, even in terms of supporting me in those activities.

I recently took a trip with a woman who I met in another state and we did not have a sexual affair, but I would consider it an affair from an emotional point of view. Both of us really just wanted to support each other in a particular difficult athletic activity and also enjoy each other’s company. But I have no intention of starting a more serious relationship with this woman – or any woman - if I do not get a divorce. If I do seek that as a remedy, I want it to be because my baseline is that I would be better off just being on my own – not because of another relationship. I can’t say I am really proud I did this, but when I read how irresponsible some others have been it makes me feel like at least I am trying to explore my feelings the right way.

I don’t intend to badmouth my wife to my children – I consider her a very good mother and a friend, but I don’t know if that is sufficient reason to commit to living the next 30 years of my life with this person. I would hope that if I go through with this neither of us would spend our time trying to undermine the other person’s relationship with our kids. We both love them very much. And I don’t intend to use them as confidantes for dating, etc. In fact, I know lots of other people who I could ask in that regard – that is not something I would ask my children.

Sure – it would probably be optimal for my kids, in a sense, to always know that there was the family home to come back to for the Holidays or at other times, but at what cost? I feel like I made a certain amount of sacrifice for the last 10+ years to make things as good as I can for them. When do I get to say “Hey – I still have a life to live here and I am not happy in this relationship – so what about my feelings for change?”

So I certainly sound like a ‘Me Generation’ person, too, when stated like this. The difference is that I am the one directly affected every day of my life. My kids are directly affected, but what would they say if they knew I was truly unhappy in staying married to their mother? Would they say, “Well you should stay married anyway because I want things to be the way I remember growing up?” So I have to just ‘commit to the commitment’ and stay largely miserable the last 30 or so years of my life? I understand there are difficult phases and negotiated outcomes in marriages, but at some point it seems like there has to be more than work – there has to be joy in the relationship, either from the moments spent together (as I found on my recent trip – that being a type of joy that is tough to sustain) or from a long term satisfaction with things and largely shared values. I find neither, so now I have to be the bad guy to my adult children even though I have sacrificed large amounts of both time and money for them? I understand they will have feelings about this and could be frustrated and even angered by it, but at some point isn’t it time that they actually grow up and understand that I have a life, too, and that I am not a perfect person? And that I am still a person who should matter to them and who needs to find happiness in his own life?

Hello,
Doctoral dissertation research on the impact of late-life parental divorce on adult children who were age 23 years and beyond at the time of their parents' divorce is currently open. Research shows adult children of late parental divorce are impacted in many complex ways yet adult children are often overlooked in the divorce "because they are adults". My research is focused on how ego strength shows a relationship to the impact of late parental divorce on adult children.
I am including a link to my approved online survey. The confidential and anonoymous survey takes about 15-20 minutes to complete. Your participation will be greatly appreciated and you will have the option of requesting a copy of the results. Siblings who were age 23 years and older at the time of their parents' divorce are also needed. Adult children and especially siblings of late life parental divorce, are an under researched group. Your participation and the participation of your friends who qulaify is important to provide a better understanding of the impact of divorce on adult children. The link to my survey is below.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/?s/T8ZVL9W

Hello,
Doctoral dissertation research on the impact of late-life parental divorce on adult children who were age 23 years and beyond at the time of their parents' divorce is currently open. Research shows adult children of late parental divorce are impacted in many complex ways yet adult children are often overlooked in the divorce "because they are adults". My research is focused on how ego strength shows a relationship to the impact of late parental divorce on adult children.
I am including a link to my approved online survey. The confidential and anonoymous survey takes about 15-20 minutes to complete. Your participation will be greatly appreciated and you will have the option of requesting a copy of the results. Siblings who were age 23 years and older at the time of their parents' divorce are also needed. Adult children and especially siblings of late life parental divorce, are an under researched group. Your participation and the participation of your friends who qulaify is important to provide a better understanding of the impact of divorce on adult children. The link to my survey is below.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/?s/T8ZVL9W

Hello,
Doctoral dissertation research on the impact of late-life parental divorce on adult children who were age 23 years and beyond at the time of their parents' divorce is currently open. Research shows adult children of late parental divorce are impacted in many complex ways yet adult children are often overlooked in the divorce "because they are adults". My research is focused on how ego strength shows a relationship to the impact of late parental divorce on adult children.
I am including a link to my approved online survey. The confidential and anonoymous survey takes about 15-20 minutes to complete. Your participation will be greatly appreciated and you will have the option of requesting a copy of the results. Siblings who were age 23 years and older at the time of their parents' divorce are also needed. Adult children and especially siblings of late life parental divorce, are an under researched group. Your participation and the participation of your friends who qulaify is important to provide a better understanding of the impact of divorce on adult children. The link to my survey is below.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/?s/T8ZVL9W